05 December 2011

Christmas Songs Like You've Never Heard Them Before

As a child, Christmas songs had very little meaning. More or less a tune to hum while your decorating or shopping and nothing more. But have you ever listened to the words of some of your favorites? Let's give it a try, shall we? I present to you, The Cynical Side of Christmas.

First up, "Grandma Got Ran Over by a Reindeer". I'll tell you what I hear. Grandma had too much eggnog (and brandy) and she wanted to pop some pills because she didn't have any earlier. The grandson and her husband, good ol' Grandpa, refuse to give her the car keys. Somehow she sneaks out the door and figures she'll just walk to the pharmacy to get her Xanax. Instead of Grandma getting arrested for drunk-in-public, she gets mauled by a reindeer. The cops suspect foul play, but Grandpa's story checks out. Here's the kicker. Now Grandpa believes in a higher power because his only Christmas wish was for his wife to drop dead so he could gamble and have a beer in peace, without Grandma being up his ass. And what does the family do? They debate over returning or divvying up Grandma's gifts. No wonder Grandma was a boozer.

On to one of my all time favorites, "Baby It's Cold Outside". I'm not sure how courting worked back in the 1940s, but this dude seems to be striking out. I mean without the help of AOL Instant Messenger in high school, I'd probably still be a virgin. This guy is face to face and laying it on thick. He's what we in the 21st century call a "creeper". Homegirl has every excuse in the book. She's like 'my dad's gonna fucking kill you then kill me if I don't go home, but maybe a half a drink more' (God I hope I don't have a daughter. You know that "half a drink more" stems from underlying daddy issues and she's just doing this out of spite now.) My man says 'absolutely, go crank the tunes, tootse, while I get your drink.' *slips roofie* She comes back and goes "Say, what's in this drink?" All dude can say is how cold and stormy it is. I'm getting' it in for sure, he thinks. She says "no"at least 4 times. He goes 'no seriously it's really cold out.' She goes 'ok, now my dad and brother are both gonna kill you. If its so cold why don't you give me a coat then?' He gets pissed, threatens to cry, and wishes she dies of pneumonia.

Can't forget "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus". This kids mommy is kinda a skeezer, no? First, she's wide awake at all hours of the night just waiting for Santa to squeeze through that chimney. "Mommy" is a chubby chaser too. This is premeditated because the mistletoe is strategically placed, and ready to go. Boom. She plants one on the jolly man. As she goes in for "the tickle", the kid sees what's goin down. Little does he know, when daddy finds out, it's not going to be as funny as he thinks. "That Kringle is a dead man!", screams dad, tossing the plate of cookies at the wall. Christmas day family meetings about an impending divorce are hilarious, right kid?


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