28 July 2011

Hey Guys...Draper Retired

I can't believe its been almost 3 days since this happened and no one has blogged it yet. Have our lives really gotten that busy and consumed with petty things that we've lost sight of what's really important. Well...probably not. Slacking is my personal excuse, and I'm OK with that. Who's gonna fire me? Snake? MdotNetz? Ha (seriously guys don't though).

Kris Draper had to have been the sports deal of the century when you really think about it. We got this dude for a buck back in '93! Literally! Do you know what a buck will get you nowadays? A small slurpee, a press on tattoo, or a can of Mr Pibb cola, and that's about it. The ROI on this was incredible, and that doesn't even take inflation into play. Business models should be built off this deal. Four time cup winner, Selke trophy winner, and one of the original "grinders." Not to mention that he was the X factor in what ignited the biggest and best rivalry in Hockey, and maybe all of sports, during the late 90s.

So on behalf of The Coalition, I take my hat off to you Kris Draper. One of my favorites to ever wear the winged wheel, and a class act if there ever was one.

Top Bars in Grand Rapids for Those Looking to Save a Buck

With the economy still down, most people are looking to save a dollar just about anyway they can. Entertainment sales are down, the number of people taking vacations are down, and bar sales throughout the country are down. The expensive drinks and the long lines are enough to turn people away from the "bar scene". However, if you choose the right time to go and the right bar, you might find yourself a deal worth checking out. Here are some of the better bar deals I've found in Grand Rapids:

Flanagan's Irish Pub: Your typical Irish Pub, Flanagan's offer a large amount of beer, and of course, green beer. Not a whole lot of cheap deals offered by this bar, but you'll find $2.25 Wells drinks on a Monday night.

Monte's Lounge: This popular special appeals only to the students. "College Night" at Monte's Lounge consists of their 2-1-2 special. From 9pm-10pm, U-Call-Its are $2, from 10pm-11pm, $1, and from 11pm-12am, $2. Get their early or reserve a table because this place gets packed with a line out the door to get in at around 11pm.

O'Toole's: Located right next to Monte's Lounge, this bar is a much more "chill" bar. Less people, not as loud, but still great prices on Tuesday nights. $1 beer night from 9pm-12am will give you somewhere to go if you find Monte's to be too busy or too loud.

J. Gardella's Tavern: My personal favorite for bars in Grand Rapids; however, it's also one of the more expensive bars. Wednesday is relief to that as they offer "1/2 off Wednesday" to their customers.

Mojo's Dueling Piano Bar and Restaurant: A similar deal to Monte's on Tuesday night, Mojo's offers $1 drinks from 9pm-10pm and $2 drinks from 10pm-12am. This is probably the most diverse crowd you will see of any other bars on this list as the majority are "college bars". What can expect though being in a college town?

Hopcat: If you live in the Grand Rapids area, this is a bar you have to check out simply because of its world-wide reputation. Rated by Beer Advocate as the 3rd best beer bar in the world, Hopcat offers the widest range of beer you will ever see under one roof. Although expensive, you can find a deal on Thursday evenings as it is "$3 Thursdays" from 6pm-9pm. This makes the trip worth it as most beer on the menu are at least $5 or $6 dollars.

McFadden's Restaurant and Saloon: A more up-beat bar dancing bar, McFadden's attractant to many is its $2 U-Call-It on Thursday nights from 9pm-12am. If you're heading out here on a Thursday night, bring your dancing shoes and your Michael Jackson moves, this is one of the better dance floors you'll find in Grand Rapids (unless you're heading to a dance club).

Eve, located in the Bob: The Bob, or Big Old Building, is a 70,000 square foot, 4-story building that consists of bars, restaurants, dance clubs, and comedy clubs. Each bar has it's own specials or deals to offer; however, the Eve appeals the most to many, especially the ladies looking for a good time. Free cover for woman along with half-off martinis and wine are enough to real in the woman on a Friday night.

Uccello's Ristorante: The place to go on a Saturday afternoon to watch your favorite college football team. Voted Grand Rapid's #1 Sports Lounge for the previous 8 years, Uccello's Ristorante typically offers drink deals during many college football games and during all Detroit sports games. Not to mention, their food is delicious.

Peppinos Downtown Grille and Pizzeria: If you're simply looking to get some food, Peppinos offers 50 cent wings all day on Sundays. In addition, a $3 Bloody Mary Bar and $3.50 22 oz. Coors Light Drafts would accompany your meal if you choose.

27 July 2011

Wake Boarding Woes

Living on Lake Templene in Sturgis, MI (the Mexican capital of the United States), I have recently taken up the watersport wake boarding. For those of you that aren't familiar-it's basically snowboarding but on water. Since I'm not a snowboarder, it's taken a while to get the hang of things. But I'm not one to take things slowly; when I think I want to try something, I'm going all out-no half-ass. In many areas of my life this strategy deems successful, but in wake boarding...well, I'll let the pictures do the talking.

Day 1-I got up easily (no Viagra necessary), and started exploring the wake, moving from one side to the other. My friend, being the motivator he is, kindly challenged me to try jumping the wake ("Come on, pussy!"). That was enough of a dare for me. I glided out to the right side of the wake, and then tried to jump it when I came back in. According to my buddies, I got an inch of air before wiping out, but it felt like a foot to me. We came up with the theory-one inch of air feels like one foot to the rider, two inches feels like two feet, etc.

Day 2-Day 2 was a big one for me. I started progressing rather quickly with my bravery and my ability. With ability comes air and fun; with bravery comes either gaining of ability or painful wipeouts. Today, I leaned more towards the painful wipeouts side of the spectrum. After hitting a few jumps and getting actually a couple feet of air each time, I quickly gained bravery. I was hooting and hollering like a little schoolgirl on Christmas morning. So, I went back out to the right side of that wake and I was going to attempt a flip. As I came back, approaching the wake, I bent my knees and pushed off of that muddy, weedy lake water and launched into the air (a whopping 3 or4 feet). Since I had no experience doing any type of flip or trick on a board, let alone my own feet, I didn't know what to do once I was in the air. Take a look for yourself at what came of my idiotic (but awesome) bravery:

As you can see, the flip quickly turned into me being parallel with the water, face down of course. It is obvious that I immediately realized I would not be landing this "flip," as I let go of the rope in the first picture.

Note to self: don't attempt to brace fall with hands. I must have forgotten the physical characteristics of water; it is easily penetrable.

Note to self: bracing fall with face isn't much better. This wipe out happened this past Saturday, and I still have a stiff neck (I thought I said above I didn't need Viagra?).

Laugh all you want-this was very painful. Now, I get to challenge all you pussies to go do the same thing!

Pet Peeves of the Month : Duck faces and Facebook Corrector Guy

Duck faces are running rampant. This has to stop. It's one thing to make a goofball face in a picture, but trying to look hot by duck-facing is a turn off. You look like you ran into a wall. The thing is, girls are doing this on the reg, without being conscious of it. It has become a standard. Men everywhere are revolted by this trend, so stop smelling your upper lip, and just stand there and look pretty.
And you, Facebook corrector guy, keep your critiques to yourself and get back to your message board argument that you have devoted your entire week to. When I'm hungover and commenting on a friend's post, I don't need my shit proofread. If I really wanted to, I could've rebuddled your criticism with shots at your inexplicable misuse of elementary school grammar and unfortunate misspelling. Especially coming from a random I don't know. Believe me, I'm petty enough to go right down the line and think to myself "it's then not than, you're not your", and "your run on sentences are making me think you didn't graduate from high school". I do, however, restrain myself and carry on living my life, knowing that no one cares what I have to say. Except for you lovely DTBC followers of course.

Penn State on GQ's Top 10 Douchiest Colleges

See the full list
I'll say this: If I expected any Big 10 school to be on this list, I would've guessed Ohio State. Although I think GQ took snobbery and trust fund babies into account on this list, and we all know Ohio is povert as shit.
With that said, my only encounter with a PSU student was in college when my roommate's boy stayed with us. Kid was obnoxious drunk by 6am, which is welcomed, but the guy went for 24 hours straight just wil'in out. He ended up goin to our rival frat's house and throwing a beer mug right through the main window. A little over the top to say the least. A real doucher move. They still rep their teams like they're relevant. Let's be honest your program is mediocre on a good day and football will not be respectable in Happy Valley as long as the corpse of JoePa is done meandering the sidelines. It's just a novelty at this point, Joe. Everyone knows you have nothing to do with the decision making anymore because if you did, your team would be making a title bid year in and year out. Let it go, coach.

25 July 2011

To Return, or Not to Return: The Journey of Brett Favre

With another NFL season right around the corner (assuming the Players Association ratify the lock-out agreement), many questions need to be asked. What will happen with the large number of free-agents looking for a new team? How well will the players be prepared for the season following the five-month lock-out? And, a question that's been asked many times before...is Brett Favre going to be suited up for another year?
After years of flirting with retirement, rumor has it that he will once again suit up to play another season. Favre is looking to sign with the Philadelphia Eagles, but this time as a back-up quarterback. This is the same man who has started nearly every single game he has been apart of. In my humble opinion, there's no way Favre would willingly sign with a team as a back-up quarterback. Does this mean he is trying to compete with Michael Vick for the starting position?
In no way am I trying to disrespect the 41 year-old professional athlete, but come on, make up your dang mind. We've been hearing this same story before each season year after year. When will it end? When he's 45? When he's 50? He's already broken many passing records in the NFL-I think he's going for oldest NFL player of all-time at a rugged age of 74.
According to Favre, the chances are slim that he will again return this season. Favre stated himself that another return is just "speculation" and that "I don't want to put my body through that anymore, I've been beat up enough". This eases the thought in my mind of seeing another return to the NFL; however, he's been saying this same thing for years.
You have to admire his perseverance and love for the game, but is enough is enough. He's had a great career, he's broken a number of records, and he's proven that you can play professionally after you're "over the hill". There's nothing left for Favre to prove. Unfortunately, his indecisiveness and old age has almost become a mockery throughout the fans and the league. Referees help him up after getting sacked, players have referred to him as "dad" or "grandpa", and companies are using him for some humorous advertisement--
So, whether Favre returns or not this season, we have to respect his decision...it's a golden rule to live by now days--we must respect our elders.

23 July 2011

They call him "two face Scherzer"

How I've never noticed this before is beyond me, but the difference in eye colors is unsettling. If you cover part of his face with your hand he looks like two different people. One side looks like Bradley Cooper and the other looks like Woody Harrelson. The brown-eyed side makes him look slightly fatter. So weird/gross, but I can't look away. Does this guy just pull mad pussy from this or what? Not only is he a big league pitcher, but women probably can't look away from his eyes. By the time they notice his eyes aren't novelty contacts, he's already put the spell on them and it's go time. Also shouldn't Scherzer be slightly better since he has the ability to use his goggly-eyed wizardry against batters? Meh, just chalk this one up as one of my hungover ramblings. #horrible blogging

22 July 2011

Spartans to Wear New Look Against the Wolverines

The Michigan State football team will boast a new look on October 15th when they play host to the Michigan Wolverines. The Spartans, along with eight other collegiate teams throughout the country, will wear alternate jerseys designed by Nike for one game this season. Those eight other teams include Stanford, Oregon, Ohio State, Navy, Louisiana State, Boise State, Army, and Georgia. The designs are to be released in early September and "capture each team's unique character", according to Nike. Nike stated that these "Pro Combat" uniforms are also technologically advanced as the "redesigned base layer facilitates the uniform's overall innovation, delivering the ultimate in lightweight protection for maximum speed". Michigan State says that "Nike has done a remarkable job of creating a uniform that clearly speaks to the Spartan football tradition with a modern-day look and feel" and that they are "looking forward to representing Michigan State and Nike on October 15 against Michigan".

21 July 2011

Football is so Close!!

The lockout is so close to finally being over, I wanna cry! Free agency, Mini Camps, and Fantasy can all start soon. Oh and I can almost break out the Honolulu Blue too! Lets just get this thing done and over with, cuz honestly, NFL, I don't wanna find another way to make through the day without you...

Top 5 Most Exciting NFL Games in 2011-2012

With the negotiations close to being resolved in the five-month old NFL lock-out, fans, including myself, can finally begin to get excited about the much anticipated season in 2011-2012. With over 250 regular season games to be played, there will be many exciting games. We'll see high-powered offenses on showcase, we'll see hard-hitting defenders getting fined for hitting too hard, and we'll see nail-biting finishes while on the edge of our seats. With each day closer to finally closing the deal between the owners and the players and with the regular season under two months away, I become more and more eager to watch to the up-coming season. These are 5 of the more exciting games I see on the regular season schedule:

Week 1: Pittsburgh Steelers @ Baltimore Ravens...
This match-up always tends to give viewers a good game. With two of the league's best defenses going head-to-head, you can count on a vicious, hard-hitting game from start to finish. These two teams often seem to meet one another in the playoffs and I can't see this year being any different. Consider this game a very early glimpse of what may come in this season's playoffs.

Week 3: Green Bay Packers @ Chicago Bears...
Both of these teams are from the NFC North division and not to mention this is a rematch of the NFC Championship game from last season in which the Packer defeated the Bears 21-14. With the defending Superbowl champion Green Bay Packers looking to defend their title and conquer the NFC North once again, this game early in the season should be a good indicator of success for both of these teams.

Week 5: New York Jets @ New England Patriots...
This AFC East rivalry gained some momentum last season after the Jets defeated the Patriots in week 3. However, in their next meeting, with Rex Ryan and company letting much of their talking happening before the game instead of on the field, the Patriots turned the tables with a 45-3 victory over the Jets in New England. To fuel the fire and ignite the rivalry even more, Wes Welker made some subtle, yet direct, statements regarding "feet" in a press conference in reference to Rex Ryan's foot fetish that shockingly leaked out into the internet. With the immense amount of hatred that grew after last season between these two organizations, you can bet that this much anticipated week 5 match-up will be more than worth your time. If you haven't seen the foot fetish video yet...

Week 7: Indianapolis Colts @ New Orleans Saints...
Both these teams have seen their "power-house" days. Many seem to think that the Indianapolis Colts are past those days and Peyton Manning is well past his prime. This season is a campaign for the Colts to prove the doubters wrong and this game is a prime opportunity for just that. A rematch of the Superbowl from two seasons ago, these two pro-bowl quarterbacks, Manning and Brees, and their respective high-flying offenses should give audiences what they like to see-points on the scoreboard. And, if anything like their recent Superbowl match-up, it could lead to a very exciting finish.

Week 12: New England Patriots @ Philadelphia Eagles...
In my opinion, this game might just top the list as the most exciting game in 2011-2012. New England Patriots in the AFC, Philadelphia Eagles in the NFC...Superbowl preview??? Eagles are an up-and-coming team with highly-touted Michael Vick and a good mixture of young and experienced talent. The Patriots are led by arguably the league's top quarterback and coach Bill Belichick whom have won three and four Super Bowls respectively. Add these components together and this could be one helluva game. In addition, this takes place towards the end of the season and could have other playoff implications.

20 July 2011

Little League Scandal....

I fucking knew it! Fudging the paperwork to win the Little League World Series. This really comes as no surprise to me. I witnessed this shit first hand when I was in my baseball prime. When I was 12 (my last year of LL eligibility) I was on the Mariners, and we were city champs. Not just normal city champs; we were damn good city champs. I honestly can't remember losing that year. Even in the banquet in September, I won a 10-speed, a 16 lb bowling ball with no holes drilled in it and something else equally shitty and twice as useless. Which is probably why I don't win shit nowadays. Used up all the luck back then. But I digress...

The Mariners were the hottest team on the field back in the summer of '98. We breezed through the city championship and got the nod to be one of 4 teams to go to Saginaw for the State playoff. To add fuel to our offensive fire, the league allowed each team in the playoff to add another roster spot and pick someone up from another team. We snagged Adam Masuga like it was nobody's business. Kid had to have been hitting .575 with 40 RBIs. After defeating a respectable opponent in the 1st round, we went on to the final to face the Saginaw champion. I shit you not their pitcher had a mustache. Fucking 12 years old and this kids got a Joe Dirt stashe and he's pushing 6'2. Well needless to say, bro threw some HEAT! I've never seen a ball move at me so fast in my life. Masuga couldn't even touch this kid. We ended up getting smoked and sent on our way with a 6" State runner-up trophy (which was in my shelf in my room until as recently as spring 2010). I've never had proof, but I'm 100% convinced that kid's paperwork was cooked. There's just no other way to explain it. Had that dude not been their pitcher, there's not a doubt in my mind we woulda won states. But like I always say: if "if's" and "but's" were candy and nuts, we'd all have a Merry Christmas...

UM and MSU Steal Recruits from Ohio

As the many allegations came out against Terrelle Pryor, Jim Tressel, and The Ohio State University football program, many Ohio native players have chosen to leave their home state to continue their football careers. The University of Michigan received 9 Ohio commits for the 2012 class, while Michigan State received 5. This is highly unusual because in past recruiting classes, most Ohio high school football players are OSU fans and biased toward their lovely fuckeyes-I mean, buckeyes (the 'b' is too close to the 'f').

I don't know about you, but I find it odd that all of these players decided on their rival schools. Perhaps it is because the U of M football program is the winningest in college football history, that its stadium is the biggest in the country, or that the rich maize and blue tradition runs wild every Saturday at the Big House. I suppose it's possible they also want to protect and block for the only quarterback in NCAA history to record 1,500 passing yards and 1,500 rushing yards in one season. And maybe, just maybe, they want to be one of the wolverines that takes down the buckeyes and their cocky fans for once. Do Ohioans (Ohians?) get sick of seeing their fans obnoxiously arrogant and unhealthily hostile every Saturday?

And perhaps it is because of the recent success Coach Dantonio has brought to East Lansing. With an 11-1 record and their first share of a Big Ten Championship in 20 years, the Spartans ended the 2010 season ranked number 12 in the entire country. Losing only Greg Jones and Eric Gordon on the defensive end of the ball, MSU returns 9 of its 11 starters. Behind the senior leadership of underrated quarterback Kirk Cousins, the campus of Michigan State has much to look forward to in the future (Cousins is balancing a pre-med major along with a D1 college football starting quarterback job--genius?).

Whatever the reason may be-thanks to Pryor, Tressel, and others-big shot Ohio recruits are starting to see the light, and beginning to head to that territory to the north we like to call pure Michigan. And heck, maybe the ultimate reason is they want to be closer to the one and only Deeeeeetroit (I suppose now isn't the year to make a Pistons reference).

2012 Ohio Recruits:

Joe Bolden, LB, Cincinnati
Pharaoh Brown, DE, Lyndhurst
Allen Gant, DB, Sylvania
Kyle Kalis, OT, Lakewood
Kaleb Ringer, LB, Clayton
Caleb Stacey, OL, Cincinnati
Tom Strobel, DE, Mentor
A.J. Williams, TE, Cincinnati
Jarrod Wilson, DB, Akron

Michigan State
Zach Higgins, OL, Alliance
Evan Jones, West Lafayette
Benny McGowan, OL, Centerville
Tyler O'Connor, QB, Lima
Se'von Pittman, DE, Canton

19 July 2011

Woman Sues City Over Firefighter Test

Can you believe this bullshit? I mean lifting another person, dragging a fire hose and charging up 30 floors in full firefighters gear?

Get real, like that type of physical strength would ever be needed in the work place. It's obvious that being 5'1" and a buck twenty would have zero impact on your ability to fulfill the duties of a firefighter.

This reminds me of the time Chicago Memorial declined my application as a neurosurgeon, which was clearly a case of discrimination against those of us who can't cut brains good!

Chris Osgood Hangs 'Em Up

DETROIT - Chris Osgood has played his last game for the Detroit Red Wings.
The 38-year-old announced his retirement from the NHL on Tuesday and will stay on with Detroit as a consultant for the team's young goaltenders.
Osgood amassed impressive numbers during his 16-year career, winning 401 regular-season games and another 74 in the playoffs while helping the Red Wings claim three Stanley Cups.
He was limited to just 11 appearances last season while being hampered by groin problems.
The native of Peace River, Alta., also spent time with St. Louis and the New York Islanders during his NHL career, but his best years came with the Red Wings.
He was a two-time NHL all-star and twice shared the Jennings Trophy given the team that allows the fewest goals each season.
So long, Ozzie! I wish I could say it seems like yesterday when I got your autograph at "Batter Up" card store, but that was fucking forever ago. I love the saying that Osgood is the "worst goalie to ever win a cup". Don't get it twisted. He won 4. And he was the starter for 2 of them. I wouldn't say Ozzie is a first ballot hall of famer, but I think he gets in. He has 4 cups, 2 all star appearances, and scored a goal for fucks sake. A fucking goal! C'mon. He prolly gets in on a shitty ballot with like both Niedermeier's, Recchi, and Paul Karyia in 2015.
Osgood plans to be the assistant goaltending coach for the upcoming season.

F U July!!!!

100 degree days don't phase me.  I get 360 degrees or more on the reg...with a grab and a grind.

May is OK, June is a little worse, July and August make me want to vomit blood until I keel over and die. After that, life is pretty good.  This summer has been typical with lots of laying by water...and lots of swinging racquets and clubs.  I actually love all these things, minus the fact that I fucking suck at tennis and golf and I'm forced out into the 100 degree weather, but its like the first girl you fall in love with.  Shes your true love.  She always will be.  Shes your lobster (Friends reference).  Well I cant get over my ex.  I love her too much.  Shes not cheating on me, and she hasn't left me, but lately I have just been getting the feeling that she doesn't like me as much as she once did. But the process of winning her back starts right now.

Of course who/what I am talking about is snowboarding.  I can't wait.  This weather blows.  Bring me fall and then pow and I'll ride for 30 days in a row.

18 July 2011

Dark Knight Rises Trailer Released!

That's right! You saw it here first (or last). We're the only metro-Sterling Heights/Troy/Rochester website with an annual income under $200 to have this son bitch! This has to be the best thing that came with the Harry Potter movie release this weekend. Well that and seeing all the Pott-heads (yeah I just made that one up) go ape shit waiting in line for 9 hours to see it. All joking aside, I will be one of the first people in the country to see this, believe you me!

B.Inge Doesn't Like the Boos

"Batman" Brandon, as I like to call him, was all over the radio today, talking about how he thinks he doesn't deserve to get booed. Now, I apologize that I put only a 15% effort into finding this audio clip or the exact quote, but trust me he said it. Something along the lines of true fans wouldn't boo him because he's not doing good. Brandon, my boy, I would love if I could say you just "weren't doing good," but your stats are dismal at best. You're spotting numbers that even Jerald Laird would laugh at(*Raburn snickers in the background*). 180 average with 1 HR (not to mention you were invited to the derby a few years back). And that's only on the offensive end. Usually your defense makes up for the sub-par average you've traditionally posted, but this is absurd. As a true fan, I boo you because, heaven forbid, I expect better out of you! You've had 2 hits this month. TWO! If you don't like the boos you can do one of two things: A.) rupture your eardrums or 2.) admit you're a resident of Strugglesville and try to do better. That's all we ask of you. That and you bring back the Souul Patch. Shit was the Fire!

Hello Becker, Goodbye Pecker

A recent story out of the beautiful Garden Grove, California, has forced many men (and Lady Gaga) to grab their private parts in sympathetic pain. Catherine Becker and her husband were in the midst of a divorce, but still living together. Apparently she was not happy with the way things were going, so she did what any woman would do: she cut off his baby maker.

Why didn't he fight her off? This is clearly one of the two times domestic violence is acceptable (the other time is when a woman changes the channel in the last two minutes of any sporting event). Well, to defend his manhood, she drugged him via the man's greatest weakness: food. He then complained of feeling sick just before losing consciousness. Becker tied his arms and legs to the bed and then this sick biatch waited for him to wake up before she cut off his member with a 10-inch knife. She could have at least done him the common courtesy of doing it while he was unconscious. But, then again, what a wake up call that would be.

As you can clearly see, this poor man's life was plummeting downhill quickly. His last glimmer of hope was probably at least to take his willy to the ER and possibly have it reconnected. Becker quickly slammed that door of hope shut when she threw it down a sink garbage disposal, allowing her husband to hear it being chopped into a million pieces.

There are two morals to this story:

1) Women-I don't care what your man has done to you. If you want to get back at him, I would recommend no beer and ESPN for a month. YOU might even regret cutting off his penis later down the road.

2) The border patrol between the U.S. and Mexico clearly isn't aggressive enough.

This man will still be able to urinate and have sexual relations properly after reconstructive surgery is conducted. One thing I do know, his almost ex-wife definitely isn't getting any from him anytime soon.

The Birds: Coming to a City Near You

The city of Grand Rapids has been in the news far too much lately for it's unfortunate and heart-breaking stories. Starting with the tragic shooting rampage on July 7th that left seven dead and ending with Grand Rapid's own, First Lady Betty Ford's death, this city has seen it's share of catastrophe in the past few weeks. Lately, a new obscure phenomenon has been taking place and gaining public attention quickly: the Angry Birds. Called by some a re-enactment of Alfred Hitchcock's 1963 horror film, "The Birds", Grand Rapids is now in code red as these flying devils are dive-bombing, head-pecking, and shit blasting any unlucky person quietly walking through their territory. Striking fear in many, you can now find Grand Rapids' citizens walking through the city on a gorgeous, 80 degree day with a rain suit and an umbrella to prevent themselves from being the latest victim of this dangerous coalition of birds. Check out the video:

Nicknamed "Angry Bird" by several media and victims, this type of bird is known as a red-winged blackbird. They are extremely territorial and are most likely guarding a nest full of eggs. I personally, along with my brother and my fiance, have been innocently victimized by these birds. Walking by the Grand Rapids museum, their "home-base", this Angry Bird attempted the stealthy dive bomb tactic. Initially, the bird gave us a subtle warning sign by squawking and chirping in an angry, "I'm going to kick your ass" type of a noise. Scary as it was, it was obvious this flying devil-of-a-bird didn't want us near it's territory; however, we did the unthinkable and challenged the bird in some hand-to-hand combat. They say when you're facing a bear, you want to make your self look bigger and make as much noise as possible to scare it away. Well, with this tiny, yet ferocious, enemy, we took a very similar strategy. All three of us we're running in circles, yelling as loud as we could with our hands flailing in the air. Little did we know, the bird retreated back to cover acting like it was the first time it had been faced before. For a moment in time, we felt like heroes. We faced the bird that has been gaining national recognition for its Pearl Harbor-like tactics by attacking unarmed citizens in a surprising manner. Then, in an act of a perfectly planned strategy, the bird called in back-up........
just kidding that part never happened.

Unfortunately, these birds are beginning to grow in numbers and increase their size of territory. Let's just hope we don't find a nest outside our own home, apartment, or condominium. And, according to the news, these birds are starting to create new zones of terror in other major cities as Chicago is also currently under attack. In addition, according to the bird's Twitter account, AngryBirdGR, London is the next big city to be victimized. There's only one last thing to say: get your old army helmets out of the closet and go buy a nice umbrella and a rain suit because the Angry Birds are coming to a city near you.

The Warrior Has Come Out To Pl-AAAAY

The Internet is the greatest creation Man ever came up with… better than the cure for polio… better than the Fleshlight…

For without the internet, the world would not have had access to the strange madness that lives inside the Ultimate Warrior…

The untimely death of the Macho Man brought to the world a voice it had not heard since the last time the WWE needed to try and goose a cheap pop out of its fanbase... The voice of the Ultimate Warrior!

Warrior decided to follow that video up with an explanation of sorts for his purpose for doing the video… shitting on Hulk Hogan.

That’s how you get in the Hulkster’s kitchen Warrior…

Shit on him using the gimmick he and Vince dreamed up for you over a few bumps of coke…

The Ultimate Warrior calls out Hogan, letting him know that he found the bullet ready to kill Hulkamania (this proves that Ultimate isn’t keeping up with the business as anyone paying even the most moderate of attention knows that the unwatchable Hogan Knows Best show did more to destroy Hulkamania than any slow, uninspired match Hogan and Warrior ever put on could have…).

To be honest, I am kind of shocked he didn’t call upon the power of all the Warriors that came before him.

I’m sure it’s nothing… Usually with these old timers it’s just some bullshit tease to sell some poorly written book all about how they could have been the best in the business and were well on the way to doing so when that blonde cocksucker Hulk Hogan put aside the daily riggers of building a media empire to ruin the career of some half rate jobber that was only as over as he was because of his legendary feud with the afore mentioned cocksucker…

Total carnie shit being spouted by half sane former wrestlers hoping to have anyone give a shit?

And am I willing to waste minutes of my life worrying about this war of words?

Stay tuned as the Warrior has promised more to come… (And I really do hope this ends with bad metal guitars playing in a screaming madman that shakes ropes and clothlines everything in sight just before the authorities are forced to take him down…)

17 July 2011

Welcome Freshmen!

As you've probably noticed by now, we have some new contributors to the Coalition. Treat them with as much respect as you treat the rest of us; very little. As an arrogant frat boy, I can't, in good conscious, deem noobs worthy of the Coalition without some good old fashioned hazing. Don't worry guys, I won't make you do gay shit or get naked. Mainly because I'm a grade A homophobe, but also, why would you want to be a part of something that treated you like shit?

Things I will make you do:

- Take peyote and volunteer at a parking lot carnival.

- Eat hundreds of packages of butter

- Listen to only the chorus of "Bananas" by Gwen Stefani on repeat for hours on end

- Memorize the first ever DTBC post in its entirety

- Write a DTBC song

- Get in a Velcro suit and let us toss you up against a Velcro wall

- Super glue your hand to your head to star in the upcoming DTBC-produced super glue commercial(coming soon)

- Make a lemonade stand and sell Nutcracker (urban dictionary: nutcracker) instead of lemonade. Proceeds go directly to the following weekend's bar tab for your's truly.

Either all of those things or we'll just get you both super drunk, take your phones, and make you find your way back to my house from Royal Oak...I haven't decided yet. Just get your pillow case & tie blindfold ready and I'll be over shortly.
Glad to have yous guys aboard.

Bars Stars and Bras

Any excuse to post a Hulk Hogan theme song and drink excessively to honor our country is fine by me. Women's world cup final today is just what the doctor ordered! It's a shame I don't like Soccer or women's sports, but this is worth watching. Not only because Hope Solo gives me a chub, but its the stars and bars baby! It's a tough call though, I mean team Japan has the whole world in their corner after that earthquake. Really makes it tough to wanna hammer them, but then again winners never take pity on their opponent. These Chickordudes from Japan (seriously they could all be dudes and no one would know the difference) are about to take a good old fashioned American ass-kicking. USA! USA!

15 July 2011

Ever Wonder Why Foreigners Are Better At Soccer Than Us

Because this is what they do for fun.

This is what we do.

Now This Is How A Real Man Gets Pissed

Did anybody see how the ball was doing? I mean seriously. He got smashed hard enough to get buried in hard clay. What did he do? Did the ball bang Andy's girlfriend or something? Very Cruel Andy. Very cruel. Find something else to vent on. Tennis ball told me to tell you that she doesn't want to see you anymore. Shes already started seeing this guy who plays backyard baseball with his kids. Move on Andy Roddick. It's over.

14 July 2011

You Mad Bro?

I'm speechless. I literally don't know what to say or think about this. All I know is that I dig it enough to post, and this girl is enjoying the shit out of her 15 minutes of fame. All in good fun.

When she says "tell me how my clit taste" at the end, I laughed so hard milk came outta my nose and I wasn't even drinking any. #cripplewithswag

EA...Please Just Let Me Flick - It

With EA all but confirming the end of the Skate series by not making Skate 4, now seems like an appropriate time to bitch about it.

EA Skate was to Tony Hawk Pro Skater what iPods were to CD's.  When was the last time you popped a CD in without thinking, "Shit...I wish I wasn't being forced to pop in a CD right now."?  It almost brings me to the brink of calling off the jam session, and I do like to jam.

Ill take 10,000 tracks over 12 any day...much like I'll take EA Skate over an other low budget pre flick-it control skateboarding game.

I'm a simple gamer and the thing is...I do not ask much out of EA.  Give me this years EA NHL (NHL 12) and give me the next game in the Skate series (Skate 4) and were all set for a year.  Goals and grinds.  You would think they would care that I am upset about the end of an era.  They don't.

Quitting is for pussies.

Detroit Lions: Play-off Bound?

Yes, the Detroit Lions have been the laughing stock of the NFL for the past few years. For those living in Michigan, we have to be having a pretty awful day to be seen wearing a Lions jersey in public. The jerseys you do see in public are of players from over a decade ago (Barry Sanders) as we are not willing to spend our hard-earned money on buying a current jersey.

We're the first to support our team after a victory, although this happens only one or two times per year, and in recent years, hasn’t happened at all. We wear paper bags at games and our best player for the past 10 years has been our kicker. And, as the video puts it, metal detectors are strategically placed at the entrances into Ford Field so that we will not kill ourselves at halftime when the score is a humiliating 0-42.

It takes much courage, dedication, and optimism to be a Lions fan; however, things are beginning to look brighter in Detroit. Last year was extremely promising for any Lions fan. Yes, I know, a 6-10 record does not seem very promising, but if you happen to be rooting for the Lions, this is leaps and bounds from the previous two years as they built a remarkable two wins in two seasons. With things starting to look up in Detroit, and the NFL season not that far away, here are my top 5 reasons why the Lions are going to make the play-offs this coming season.

The Lions Did It With Shaun Hill & Drew Stanton
1. The Lions ended the year with an impressive four game winning streak, not to mention this was with their back-up quarterback. If the NFL does finally get their heads out of their asses and make a deal, expect this momentum to carry on and plow through the NFC North like a run-away train (or Ndamukong Suh can have the same effect). Included in this four game winning streak was the Super Bowl Champion Green Bay Packers. Sure, it was without Super Bowl MVP Aaron Rodgers, but come on, give the Lions credit where credit is due.

2. Matthew Stafford: if he can stay healthy, and all signs point to him not being healthy again in 2011, the Lions could be a team to be reckoned with. Even his own teammate, linebacker Zach Follet, said he is a pussy. Follet stated in reference to Stafford, "He's a china doll right now. Anytime he gets hit, he goes down". However, when healthy, Stafford puts up some impressive numbers. Last season, though he only played in three games, had 6 TD's and 1 interception. One game that especially sticks out to me was against the feisty New York Jets defense when Stafford lit them up for 240 yards passing, 2 passing TD's, and 1 rushing TD (although risky, that's some high reward numbers for any fantasy football addict).

3. Lions draft picks have become better and better and their young talent makes the future look very promising. From Matthew Stafford, Jahvid Best, Ndamukong Suh, Nick Fairley, Louis Delmas, Mikel LeShoure, and Titus Young, these guys are talented enough to make any franchise realize that Detroit is back on the map in the NFL.

4. Whether it's Stafford or Hill taking the field next year, the talent, experience, size, and athleticism at the wide receiver position is enough to make an average quarterback a great one. Starting with Calvin Johnson, Nate Burleson, Brandon Pettigrew, and ending with rookie Titus Young, the Lions have multiple deadly weapons through the air. Let's just hope our "china doll of a quarterback" can stay healthy and put up the types of numbers he did when healthy last season. If he does, I believe the Lions wide receiver corps is on schedule for a huge break-out season.

5. The featured running back Jahvid Best and newcomer Mikel LeShoure are bound to make some noise this season. With very different styles to running the football-Best with his blazing speed (4.35 40-yard dash boasted the fastest time at last year's combine) and LeShoure with his "bruising, wear my opponent down" approach, the Lions have the personnel to compliment the passing game very nicely. Both backs are young giving Detroit a solid tandem to work with for several years down the road.

With these 5 aspects of the Lions taking the field in a few months, expect the Lions to have one of their better seasons in recent years. Take those paper bags off your heads, leave your guns at home, and don't be ashamed to spend some of your cash on a more recent Lions jersey-Detroit just might have a team worth rooting for this season.

13 July 2011

Are You Planking Grandma?

Should I call 9-11 or do a Jump 5 with this old lady? (*go here if you have no clue what a jump 5 is)

Planking is only fun until someone gets hurt.  I take that back.  Planking is more fun when somebody gets hurt.

What I should have said is that planking is only fun until someone stops planking.

Get On His Level!

Hahahaha... Bro you're SCARIN' us!.. AHAHAHAHAHA

So Long Harry Potta

It's the end of an era. After 13 long years, the last Harry Potter movie is released into a movie theater near you Friday at midnight. Being a mild Potter MOVIE fan (I feel the need to specify, as reading is not frequently seen on my to-do list), I'm not sure whether to be excited to find out what happens at the end of this saga, or upset that it's almost over. Either way, what a ride its been. There's been 3-headed dogs, penetrable walls, and things appearing and disappearing at an instant. I wonder what kind of weed J.K. Rowling was smoking when she conjured up this brilliant idea. Well, let's find out...

"I had been writing almost continuously since the age of six but I had never been so excited about an idea before. I simply sat and thought, for four (delayed train) hours, and all the details bubbled up in my brain, and this scrawny, black-haired, bespectacled boy who did not know he was a wizard became more and more real to me."

First of all, what in the hell causes a train to be delayed for four hours?

Secondly, bespectacled? May I have the language of origin please, and maybe even have it used in a sentence. Also, why no mention of the lightning scar on Mr. Potter's forehead? It's the most badass icon in the whole series.

And finally, yes-weed it is. No one could sit there and sanely think for four hours alone.

So, any guesses as to what will happen during the last part of this epic series? If you've read the books, I don't know whether to be impressed that you've read so many pages or to advise you to get a life. All joking aside, please don't comment if you already know what happens. I'm talking strictly the movie faithfuls! Let's hear those guesses.

Just to start things off, Big Brother predicts that Voldemort will die but Harry will somehow magically stay alive. Wizards will begin living in harmony with the muggles. And the BEST part-Gryffindor will require his quidditch jersey.

Come on, Friday!

12 July 2011

1,001 Ways To Fuck With A Retard

1001. Call them and represent yourself as the "Flu" or "Influenza" virus...thus scaring the retard which in turn provokes a cry out for help; with curses like "Shoo, shoo no retarded flu".  Watch

987. Trick the retard into arguing with an automated answering machine.  Watch

900. Insert the original retard into a situation where he interacts with another retard.  Crack beverage.  Repeat and enjoy.  Watch
#2  Gary the Retard

834. Do not ever, and I stress EVER, give them what they want.  Watch

750. Put the retard to the test by playing "Are You Smarter Than A Caribou".  There's no plot twist.  The retard will lose this match-up 10 of 10 times.  Watch

715. Spelling bee.  Watch

567. Have him call his own phone and leave a voice-mail.  Call the retard back immediately and play him the voice-mail he just left himself 5 minutes ago.  This will confuse the retard into thinking he is having his identity stolen.  Watch

480. Ask them to do favors for you which are light years above and beyond what they are capable of doing.  Watch

401. Cry in front of the retard and see how it goes.  Watch

220. When asked a question, in the response replace words with heavy breathing and only heavy breathing.  Watch

125. Direct the retard to into a situation where he must hear the voice of the late Billy Mays and respond.  Accomplish this any way you can.  No rules on this one.  Watch

60. Are you even the real retard?  Watch

18. Rain down rude insensitive comments on said "retard".  Watch

4. Use them as ammunition and attack Danny Bonaduce.  Watch

2. Karaoke. Big crowd. Extreme retardation mixed with an over-indulgence of alcohol.  Black Eyed Peas.  Lets get retard.  Enough said.  Watch

1.  Spend a good part of a day.  I'm talking like 4 straight hours...doing any thing and everything in your power to keep the retard on the phone.  It just keeps getting better and better and better.  Watch

Stay tuned for Part 3 of "Beetlejuice and the Top 25 Wack Packers":   Jeff the Drunk

Derby Fan Gets His Thunder Stolen

I can't believe how little attention this bro is getting! This catch was fucking phenomenal. A true Web Gem if I've ever seen one! But it was overshadowed by this asshole who almost died trying to imitate such an awesome effort. I thought for sure this was gonna be the top story on SportsCenter this morning, but the other dude stole the show. A damn shame. I mean it's bad enough that of the whole 4 hours the Home Run Derby took, we only get one solid play to drool over, and it doesn't even get all the credit it's deserved.
Not only is this dude so Gung Ho to get a ball he is willing to leap into a pool full of people, but he brings his beer with him...and doesn't even spill the thing! And not to mention he snagged that fucker out of mid air on his way down from his perfectly timed jump. And Kudos to the chick who had the presence of mind to grab the dudes beer he was frantically treading water to preserve. This was an all-around outstanding moment that sadly had its thunder stolen by a less-athletic, twice as hammered clown of a man. But don't worry Bro who left it all on the line and made a spectacular pool catch, The Coalition's gotchu...

Mr. 3000

Derek Jeter is one of the all time greats in the game of baseball-except for the fact that he plays for the Yankees. From his overall batting average of .313 to his five Golden Glove awards to his five World Series rings, and even to his major league-leading stolen base percentage of 91.4%-he is one I like to call a badass. Not to mention, he hails from the always wonderful Kalamazoo, Michigan (for you out-of-staters, yes, Kalamazoo is a real city). Kalamazoo is a great place to raise a child, with 1 in 4 of its teenage girls stricken with some type of sexually transmitted disease. Being the third youngest player ever to reach 3,000 hits in a career, Jeter joins 27 other players to reach this memorable milestone. And he did it with style-by hitting a homerun in front of a sellout crowd of 48,103. Take that David Price.

I'm proud of Derek Jeter. He's come a long way. All the way from being a timid 14 year old, taking his first steps through those metal detectors at Kalamazoo Central High School to a member of the 3,000 hit club. And do you want to know the reason I'm most proud of this milato? Because he's done it with class. First of all, he's stayed loyal to one team throughout his career, through sickness and in health. Granted, there's been more health, but that's not the point. Jeter proves to all the selfish go getters (cough Lebron cough) that it really can prove rewarding to stay with one team in one city with one group of faithful fans. Second, he's a clean player. No steroids, no betting, and you called it-no cork in his bat. He's even steered clear of equipping his pitchers with "gunk balls," a concoction the late Yankee pitcher Whitey Ford used to use against his opponents. If you haven't heard of the "gunk ball," I suggest you look it up. Lastly, he's created the Turn 2 Foundation, which has a goal of turning young adults away from drugs and alcohol. You're doing wonders for the Kalamazoo community, Derek, but if you could only add the promotion of abstinence to your foundation, I'd be really impressed.

So, great job Derek Jeter! Congratulations on this amazing achievement. Hats off to the mildly undersized overachievers whose bodies are free from HGH, and whose bats are free from cork and sawdust. We salute you. Now, I ask just one more favor of you. When the Detroit Tigers make room in their salary cap for your 20 million dollar per year salary (and they will), please humbly accept.

4,000 club, anyone?

Marriage Proposal: Success or Embarrassing YouTube Phenom

This previous weekend was one of the most exciting and romantic times I've had the privilege of being apart of in my life. Lucky for me, I was one of the main characters, along with my beautiful and wonderful fiance, Abby. It's crazy how much is going through your mind in the weeks, days, and hours leading up the climax where you're asking the girl of your dreams to marry you. You want everything to be perfect, you want her to be completely surprised, and of course, you want a story-book ending where she says yes, you hug and kiss, and you end the day as a happily engaged couple. For some unfortunate guys out there, the outcome isn't exactly what they had hoped for: maybe the girl wasn't ready to be married yet or maybe the plan didn't go exactly as they had hoped. As you will learn vicariously in these videos, make sure your girlfriend will say yes, especially if you are going to propose in public. That is one aspect of the proposal in which I wanted to be 100% sure before I proposed; however, it is obvious that these guys were not so sure...

1. Houston, we have a problem...

First off, this guy was one of the guys who didn't really plan this out that well. He obviously made the wrong assumption that his girlfriend would say yes and the entire arena would erupt in cheers and pandemonium for his gutsy, public proposal. Things went differently for this guy; however. I can't imagine the thoughts running through his head on one knee when he saw his girlfriend was in shock, yet surprisingly hesitant to say yes. Then she leaves him. Not only does she leave, she runs and gets away as fast as she can. He is then left alone in front of thousands of fans not knowing whether to laugh, feel bad for the guy, or cheer him on to run after that girl. What does he do now? Find some other girl to give the ring to? Go back up to his seat to watch the second half of the game? This would be a complete disaster and a reminder to all those planning a public proposal: make sure she is going to say yes.

2. The runaway ring...

This guy did a nice job of surprising the girl--he surprised her enough to let go of anything she was holding. Unfortunately, what she was holding was the ring tied to the balloon. There's not much you can say about this other than this is just plain stupid. When girls get surprised they usually put their hands to their face and drop everything they have. Over the weekend, right when my girlfriend at the time knew I was about to propose, she dropped everything she had with her and even took her shoes off??? I still don't quite understand the shoes part but the point is, at this moment in a girl's life, they can't have anything in their hands as they are waiting for you to put that ring on her finger. I almost felt bad for this guy, but honestly who puts something worth thousands of dollars into a balloon? Epic fail.

3. The Slap of Shame...

For a moment, this proposal seemed to be heading in the right direction. He did everything right: he surprised her, he was romantic about it, and he looked to have had a very nice ring to profess his love to her. Then, SLAP! For those "How I Met Your Mother" fans out there, where was the Slap Bet Commissioner on this one? He must have chosen a really bad time in their relationship to propose. The possibilities are endless on this one. Did he cheat on her the day before? Or, did he propose the day before, get rejected, then think it'd be a good idea to try again in public using the "sympathetic, I guess I'll say yes this time to save him the embarrassment" approach? Whatever happened here, that's just plain humiliating. Not only did he get left alone, but the slap in public with the camera-man close by just added to the shame and misery of this failed marriage proposal.

These proposals didn't end so well; however, I am fortunate enough and blessed enough to have had one of the most wonderful moments with my fiance when I heard that simple word, "yes", come out of her mouth. For those of you guys planning a proposal in the near future, whatever you do she will love. Make it personal, romantic, surprising, and most importantly, make sure she will say yes so you don't find yourself on YouTube someday when people search for "failed marriage proposals".

11 July 2011

My Voyage to the Land of MassHoles

So I took a little road trip to Boston, MA this past weekend and it was nothing short of what I had expected: lots of booze and lots of assholes. While the latter isn't entirely true; most locals were real cool, but I found my fair share that played right into the stereotype. More on that later.

I'll spare the shitty road trip details because there is nothing fun about a 12 hour drive. 2 important findings. Speed limit in Canada is consistent with the 'boring" stereotype of their people: 100km/h (about 60 mph for the non-math saavy) It is painfully slow, frustrating, and albeit boring. Secondly, country music, podcasts, and good conversation with an old friend are a great cure for killing time. I highly suggest it for your next rodeo.

I'll also exclude the mundane details of my travels and get right to the shit you want to read about: the drinking and the antics. This accounts for 90% of my days on vacation, if you were really wondering about the rest, you can fill in the blanks yourself.

Across the streetfrom the burial grounds of John Hancock,
Samuel Adams, and  Ben Franklin.
We started off, on a blistering summer day, doing the only thing that could keep the sweat from my brow, ducking into an air conditioned establishment and throwing back some bronsons. Heading to the RedSox game later that night called for a pre-drink anyway, and since it was 2pm, we were way overdue. We slugged down a few at Beantown Pub, and meandered down to "Cheers", a bar inspired by the show. Now to say I was upset that Woody Harrelson wasn't behind the bar and there was not a fat mailman drowning his sorrows at the end of the bar, is an understatement. Also nobody knew our names, and I 'm positive, judging by our level of intoxication at this point, noone gave a fuck. I did, howerver, have one of the most delicious local beers, Wachusett Blueberry Ale, which made me feel like a local.

Now on to Fenway Park, but not with out a trip down Beacon Hill, one of the most scenic, ritzy areas in the city. We finally made it to the park with time to spare to hit, in my opinion, the best bar Boston had to offer, Game On. There, I met up with a familiar face in a strange place, my roommate from college, "Boston". After a few shots of Patron and a couple laughs, it was on to the game.

Fenway is breath taking, but give me Comerica Park any day. It was Masshole central. We were literally on top of people screaming at us, spilling my $9 bud light with every twist and turn. I've had enough by the third inning so it was time for another bar. Just my luck there was a bench clearing brawl/hug fest as soon as we left. I'll let you decide for yourself with video evidence.

A few purchases of the "Sedins: 2 Girls No Cup" shirts later, we were back at the hotel getting our Health Ledger on.

Ironic name choice. This was probably
the worst bar  there.
The next day more traveling in the city until we all reached an unprecedented conclusion: it's 3pm and I can count my consumption of drinks on one hand. The sight seeing in the Long Wharf/Quincy Market area was a real good time, but if you've seen one art fair street shop gathering, you've seen 'em all. The group had all split up and it was time for a little impromptu pub crawl. Whaddaya know? Everyone had the same idea. Tired of the sun and aching for a totty, the whole group met at Good Bar unplanned, as if it were some sort of animal instinct. Must. Booze. Now. The closest bar did it's trick. At this point, I had to take picture of every bar entrance so I could actually remember where I 've been. We hit about 7 bars in 2 hours which also shared its good amount of alcoholic highlights.

At Amos Plow, the bartender was telling us crazy stories of MDMA -infused Bonnaroo moments and concocting shots I've never heard of, which is rare. "Jameson with a pickle juice back" (Amazing). You just slam pickle juice after you rock the whiskey shot, and the "Breakfast shot", which I just decided I'm renaming "The Breakfast Club" (because it was Saturday afternoon with good company and the bartender reminded me of a young Anthony Michael Hall). It was a shot of Jameson chased with a shot of 1/2 orange juice, 1/2 butterscotch schnapps. This shot tasted just like pancakes and maple syrup. Nicely done "weird science"(my new nickname for this bartender.)

"The Breakfast Club" before.....
.....and after

We decided it was time to tone it down so we didn't look like the after effects of "The Breakfast Club" shot shown in the picture. I mean we were going to dinner in the North End, and since it's one of the classier destinations in the city, we needed to remember dinner. By toning it down, of course I mean eat something big enough to soak up the whiskey, but small enough to keep my buzzz on. We headed to the Salty Dog for some tasty local lager and eats. Prettay, prettay, pretty good.

At dusk, we were on to the North End. After passing around a couple bottles of Giacomo Grimaldi 2003 ($150 a pop), and omnom-ing some dago sounding veal dish, I was in alcohol/food coma mode and the only thing that could wash that down was a fat stogie at the local cigar bar, Stanza di Sigai  Real legit place.

All in all it was a great weekend funded completely by some very generous people who did not tire easily of our messy alcoholism. And to that I extend my gratitude.

Editors Note: I feel like I should address this, being a pro-Detroit website and all. In no way shape or form am I on my knees about this city. It was a great time, with great people, in a great city. However, when I told the locals I was from Detroit, they gave me a look like a booger just shot out of my face and I was the most grotesque individual on the planet. I made it a point to talk to these people for a while to show that Detroit breeds intelligent, cultured people that can handle themselves after 15 drinks and still bring a lot to the table. I fucked them up with some truth that Detroit is a diamond in the rough, and they should break out of their comfort zone and check it out for themselves before judging. If you take a trip, I challenge you to do the same, which from my experience, made for a much more enjoyable time. Put your hands up for Detroit. I love this city.