28 February 2011

Sergent Harry Johnson Wants to be Your Friend on Facebook

Soldier impersonators target women in web scams

Janet Cappiello Blake and Bruce Schreiner / Associated Press

LOUISVILLE, Ky. — Con artists are targeting women on Facebook in what's becoming an all-too-common ruse: They steal photos of soldiers to set up profiles, profess their love and devotion in sappy messages — and then ask their victims to cut a check.

Army Sgt. James Hursey, 26, discharged and sent home from war in Iraq to nurse a back injury, found a page with his photos on Facebook — on a profile that wasn't his. It was fake, set up by someone claiming to be an active-duty soldier looking for love.

Military officials say they've seen hundreds of similar cases in the past several years. Some of the impersonators have even used photos of soldiers who have died overseas.

"It's identity theft, really, if you think about it," said Hursey, of Corbin, Ky., a married father of a 2-year-old.

The impersonator using Hursey's photos portrayed himself as a soldier named "Sergent (sic) Mark Johnson." The fake followed the same steps every time: Send a friend request, immediately express undying love and affection, and ask for money.

The fake's cover was blown, though: Janice Robinson, 53, of Orlando, Fla., knew something wasn't right when the man professed his love to her and signed every message with, "Johnson cares." She had begun talking to him thinking he was one of several people named Mark Johnson that she knew.

"I said, 'How can you say you love me? You don't even know me. You are insane,'" she told The Associated Press in a telephone interview. "... You could tell the guy in the picture was young. I'm 53 years old. You can look at my picture and tell I'm not 20."

Her story was first reported by WYMT-TV in Hazard, Ky., and WKMG-TV in Orlando.

Christopher Grey, spokesman for the Army's Criminal Investigation Command at Fort Belvoir, Va., said the Internet impersonators often make ridiculous claims. Some say they need money for special laptops and cell phones. Others say they need cash to buy special papers to come home on leave or a registration form because military officials won't let them talk to family.

"Well, there is no such thing," Grey said. The papers are phony, often poorly doctored versions of actual military documents.

The person using Hursey's photographs sent Robinson what he called a form to register to be able to speak to the soldier on the telephone. He told her it would cost $350 for them to be able to communicate by phone.

The form, a poorly doctored copy of a common Army form used to correct information in a soldier's official record, included a blank to fill in the intended victim's social security number.

Robinson said she knew people didn't have to register to talk to soldiers and refused to fill out the form. She also refused his requests to wire money and send credit card and bank account numbers.

Instead, she contacted a local television reporter and Hursey, whose name was visible in the phony profile's photos.

"I just wanted to see exactly how far this would go and I wanted to protect people ... that aren't as savvy to scams as I am and don't pick up on this stuff," Robinson said.

From The Detroit News: http://detnews.com/article/20110228/BIZ04/102280324/Soldier-impersonators-target-women-in-web-scams#ixzz1FJ6V7Odz

The old bait and switch routine eh? I'd be lying if I said I was unfamiliar with the tactic. Life has presented itself with many opportunities to develop a false identity far superior to your own in order to change a chick's (or chicks') perception of you. Like when the boat races come to Lake St. Clair; two of my buddies boast that they captain the Budweiser boat, then proceed to take girls back to their "rental house" for some after party action. When Michael Jackson died, I'd explain how hard it hit my family because my dad was one of the zombies in the Thriller video. Not completely unbelievable, but interesting enough to skew the topic of interest my way. Oldest trick in the book.

But these guys have no respect for the god damn rules! They hid behind false facebook identities of soldiers whose names resembled those of porn stars. Theres just no room for that. Not in America! I mean, the plan seemed solid initially: Pose as someone you're not in order to get girls. But to pose as the backbone of Freedom and Liberty? Not on Uncle Sam's watch! Although, admittedly, I am a bit envious that they actually presented themselves in such a way that they got girls to pay them. Thats the real kicker here. Sure you can pose as an internet mogul. Co-creator of dtownbroco.com, but ultimately you are the one shelling out the cake for shots of Johnny Vegas's and Red Headed Sluts (pun?).


I love how the chick claimed that other girls aren't as savvy to scams as she is. Great work Gumshoe! You really foiled that plot and saved woman-kind! I bet she gave $300 and 4 nude pics before she realized she was being scammed. Here's to you Miss Robinson...

Best of Detroit 2011

In the spirit of the Oscars, Metromix did it's yearly review of the best Detroit has to offer. A list like this makes me proud to be from this city. A diamond in the rough, with much more to offer than meets the eye. It's sneaky like that. I can't say I was too surprised by a lot of these, but there were a few major upsets. Here's the list before I fuck Metromix up with some truth.

Best of Awards 2011: Nominees and Winners
Best Coney -  Lafayette (no-brainer)
Best Casino - MGM Grand (see Before and After: MGM Grand Slam)
Best Local Boutique - Leon and Lulu (the fuck is a boutique?)
Best Bar - Centaur Bar
Best Brunch - Frittata
Best Burger - Red Coat Tavern
Best Pizza - Buddy's
Best Restaurant - Slow's BBQ
Best Sushi - Ronin
Best Sports Bar - Nemo's
Best Cupcake - Just Baked
Best Date Restaurant - La Dolce Vita
Best Festival - Arts, Beats, and Eats
Best Irish Bar - Old Shillelagh
Best Music Venue - The Magic Bag
Best New Bar/Club - The Hamilton Room
Best Club - V at MGM Grand (again see the MGM Grand Slam post)

Ok, Nemo's got robbed on Best Burger. The entire meal I smiled jubilantly, while love-soiling my pantaloons.

Now don't get me wrong, Slow's is impeccable, but Mon Jin Lau is one step above it. Every night of the week MJL is loaded with slam pieces nom nom-ing sushi. The atmosphere is unmatched. Slow's has great food, but after the meal everyone has the -itis from a pork overdose. Not much conversation when you're entire party is passing out with BBQ sauce smeared all over your face.

I could combine Best Sushi/Best Date Restaurant, and add another category of Best Happy Hour and give the trophy to Kona Grill in Troy. Great place for a Happy Hour date on a spring evening. $3 pints of premium beer, $3-5 rolls that taste like they're $10+, and one of the best patios/bar areas in Metro-Detroit.

Old Shillelagh is a great spot especially with St. Patty's day coming up. There's something to say about a place where you can projectile vomit on the floor and nobody even does a double take. I feel like I'm at Rick's in East Lansing. Definitely a wild time. The roof seems to rarely be open, but when it is it's pretty fucking intense. However, I've been to college, I've vomited on the floor(at Rick's), and expect more out of a bar than my potential to embarrass my family's name. For St. Patty's Day there is no place I'd rather be than Gus O'Connor's in downtown Rochester. Slam pieces for days.

27 February 2011

Before and After: MGM Grand Slam

Everything went right from the get-go last night. $80 round trip booze cruise cab ride from the 'burbs to the Dizzle? Done. I felt like Vinny Chase last night. We had our very own "E". We walked in that casino and put 40 bucks on black a few times and tripled our money, which paid for our cover and drinks for the night. Scotty the Profit was on fire. "Hot hand in a game of dice, baby girl," he bragged. We called Club V's bluff on the $50 cover/VIP/bottle service sham by just throwing down a 10 spot and reaping the benefits regardless. The DJ was spinning Lonely Island - "I Just Had Sex". Sexy Go-Go dancers were killing it. 

Never in the history of going out, has an extraordinary night fallen into place with such little effort. Shit was insane. If you've never been down to MGM, you must go. We literally felt like we were in Vegas. I was vacation drunk. We had zero regard for any human life but our own. 

However, all good things must come to an end. $40 worth of McDonald's breakfast later, the respective members of the Coalition have came and gone. I now blog from the hangover-induced fetal position. Somebody get me a Bloody Mary and a beej stat. 

26 February 2011

Friday Night Lull

Here I am, Saturday morning, not buried under a hangover. This is not something I am used to. Friday nights usually include alcohol, and less frequently, mooning, wherever the night may take me. Not last night.

Five of my friends were over last night and none of us could figure out what to do. One of those friends had just gotten out of rehab for alcohol so drinking was out of the question. The pondering began around 8:00pm. Can't go to a bar, can't play drinking games, can't even just drink around the house. So what do we do?

We could have went to the arcade, bowling alley or even the fucking mall. We could have started some sort of video game tournament. We could have watched the Pistons play with only 6 dudes. Anything would have sufficed, we all worked for this day of the week! Instead, we sat in silence, as if somehow our friend would suddenly become cured of his alcoholism and it would be okay to party again because of it.

The silence overtook us for hours. I ended up going to sleep at midnight. Midnight!! And here I am, posting to DTownBroCo, with but one question to you. What the fuck do you do on a Friday night when you can't drink??

25 February 2011

Hi, Haters!

Anonymous haters are loving the BroCo! Hate early, hate often, I always say. It's so brave to hate on someone behind the facade of an "Anonymous" post. I embrace it. Let us help you through whatever self esteem issues are causing you to stay in on a Friday night and hate on a sub-par blog. Although, I do admire a comment writer with impeccable grammar and an imaginative sense of smell. I'm sure you're educational background has granted you with a job that anyone would deem exciting.

As far as the notion that we are trying to provide professional insight on any of the topics on this blog, you must be outside of your mind. We're as mediocre as they come. I'd love to stick around while you elaborate on your posh living situation and how Detroit is slighted by our existence, but Friday nights are drinking nights, and I have a bottle of Miguel Cabrera scotch in the freezer calling my name.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go home and put some water in Buck Nasty's momma's dish. Good evening.

Workout of the Week

If this doesn't whip your ass into shape I don't know what will. The enthusiasm! The motivation! The Jock Jams! I'm gonna turbo cricket my way to the best time at The Warrior Dash!

Mark Dell endorsed by Rick Ross, Projected #1 Overall

Top Notch Teflon Don ... Top Notch

Pistons Take a Shit on Keuster

This team is officially dead in the water. Joe Dumars turned down a trade for Tayshaun yesterday; basically saying "nah, we're all set here at the bottom of the Eastern Conference." Now half the team doesn't show up to practice? Two words Joe: Government Bailout. Its time to rebuild from the ground up and you can start by firing Keuster and bringing in a legit coach. Hell, pull a Pat Riley and coach the team yourself in the mean time. Just 86 this mother faulkner. As sure as I'm taking a shit while I blog 75% of my posts, this team is going nowhere this season. This has to be the last straw. If I'm Kuester, I'd be on my way to Joe's office, pop my head in and say "I should just go fuck off right?"

Editors Note:

This blog was posted in a hurry as I am running out the door to get a haircut. This takes precedence over the blog for the moment because this is my first haircut since my last DISASTER from Lady Jane's. I need to gather pictures for reference of how potentially good my do can look. So please bear with me as I will later posts stories and/or pictures related to this topic.

Peathe out

Define "Alcoholic"

LAKELAND, Fla. (AP) - Tigers General Manager Dave Dombrowski said last week that Cabrera would undergo treatment before arriving. Tigers position players reported on Feb. 18.
Cabrera didn’t deny that he had an alcohol problem, but said he was willing to undergo treatment and the Tigers have been working with doctors to find a solution. Cabrera said the incident was out of the ordinary and that he had been working on his treatment in Detroit and his hometown in Venezuela.
He refused to say he is an alcoholic.
“I have it under control,” Cabrera said. “It was just a bad decision. I plan to continue with treatment. I made a mistake this time, and all I can do is continue treatment.”

Ok, here's my take on this. I'm not expert on baseball, nor am I an expert on substance abuse. I am, however smart enough to see that the two often go hand in hand. There is something about these guys that they just love being buzzed. I think I can take it a step further and say they are obsessed with doing things to the extreme. Do you know how extreme you have to be to hit/throw an 85+ MPH anything? I've tried, and I simply stopped giving a shit literally minutes later. Just not that extreme.
Now I realize that there is a difference between using and abusing a substance, but you can't tell me that when a guy is going up to bat and he has a dip the size of a roll of quarters in his jaw, that he isn't abusing the substance. You can't tell me that a 175 lb (insert steroid junkie name here) didn't abuse the juice to become a solid 2 fiddy. Leyland smokes enough squares in the dugout that, if it was an enclosed area, the entire team would have second-hand lung cancer by the end of June.
Look, Miggy likes scotch, not because he's an alchi, but because scotch is fucking fantastic. They dude is over the top extreme. His competitive nature shows that. His passion with his family(albeit unnecessary to go as far as to lay a hand on a woman, which is pretty fucked in itself, but I'll never fully understand Hispanics. Completely different blog topic.) shows that. Obviously the guy goes about things the wrong way. Baseball is all he knows. Social and ethical norms aren't exactly this guy's forte. I'm sure educationally speaking the man isn't completely developed yet. He can't hold a press conference without a translator for fear of saying the wrong thing. I watch the guy on Tigers post-game on the regular. He speaks just fine.    
So cut the guy some slack. He's only got two strikes, and this is baseball after all.

Is This Kid the Next Lebron?

Is this "phenom" the next basketball superstar whose ego we will feed until he's equidistant from reality as the Earth is to the Sun? Is this a 2016 top draft pick that Joe Dumars surpasses for a European human victory cigar? The answer to the first question is no; and to the latter is, well, possibly. Sorry scouts but I just don't see anything outstanding from this kid. Congratulations son, you're 6'8" and you can block shots on an 8th grader shorter than I am. On the upside, this kid is only in 8th grade and hes super tall already. On the downside; I've seen him topple over a few times, pull an offensive goal tend and hes got a weird lookin mouth. Where's the cutoff point of calling kids "phenoms?" Rivals.com ran a story last week: "Newborn Phenom already 37 inches long. Recruited by Duke, UNC." It's getting a little absurd if you ask me. Make these kids play some serious ball before you dub them "phenoms" or "the next Lebron." Tryin' to get a muthafuckin scholarship!? No free lunches lad. Blue chips only at Wild Steve U.

24 February 2011

Shit I learned from bitches I wasn't fucking

Maybe I'm writing this because my bitch roommate ate my last HotPocket. Maybe, because I haven't been laid since the first moon walk. Definitely because all hoes are crazy!
I am pretty certain at some point you have thought this about a current or ex-girlfriend, but I am convinced this principal applies more universally. There is a significant difference between men and women that has become seriously apparent to me since I have started living with them. Like Skynet, we are self-aware. A dude knows what he is, and can define himself like a Webster dictionary. There is little to no contradiction to be found in the male psyche, and we will most definitely express what we are thinking in a clear and concise way. Unfortunately this is not at all how the feeble woman brain works, and I will demonstrate below.

If a woman ever says “I am super laid back” it means “I like the idea of being laid back, but in reality I am psychotic like the rest of my gender”

If a woman ever says “I hate drama” it means “I like the idea of hating drama, but in reality I am psychotic like the rest of my gender”

And most importantly

If a woman ever says “I love watching sports” it means “I like the idea of watching sports, but in reality I am psychotic like the rest of my gender”

Moral of my story, the chicks you're not banging are as gross as the ones you are. Hair everywhere, dumps that would clog a high flow toilet, and an attitude that would strip the finish off a bowling lane. Of course I love women, but they are not like us, and the better we understand how their brains work, the better our chances of survival.

Marilyn Gaga

Classic Manson move with the mic cord noose.
Marilyn Manson and Lady Gaga are the same person, right? I am breaking one of my rules here when I say I strive to avoid all things Gaga related because I think she is the biggest attention whore in pop culture history, not to mention a talentless tranny. However, I stumbled upon a picture of her new album cover and it looks like if Marilyn Manson was a man. I mean he's a man in a sense that he has a Y chromosome, but after seeing the picture above, I'm convinced he has tits and a nub for a genitalia. Y chromosome revoked. 

That Gaga cover above depicts the most dude looking chick I've ever seen in my life. It's not one of those things where a bro had mass amounts of devil's water at the bar and the "girl" he was hitting on happened to have a dong. It's like, "why is this dude in a dress hitting on me? Am I accidentally at a gay bar?"(Side note: My friends accidentally went to a gay bar in Chicago because a lady friend gave us a tip that it's a good bar. When we met them up, Wild Steve got threatened with a Baretta because we tried to tell our boy that the black guy with a lisp buying him drinks wasn't just being "really cool").

"Show me your wiener, you tranny!"

You're not fooling me Marilyn Manson/Lady Gaga, but I don't blame you for trying. You see the market for Scream-o/Metal fell off in 1999 and you gotta get that chedd somehow. The whole removing-a-rib-to-blow-yourself publicity didn't really pan out, so he removed his Adam's apple, started hitting his high notes, and hired a better publicist.

America loves a comeback right, Britney?    

Sagnasty Panty Thief gets a year

SAGINAW, MI - A man who authorities say broke into a Saginaw-area woman's home and was caught naked from the waist down holding a pair of pink panties has been sentenced to a year in jail.
Saginaw County Circuit Judge Darnell Jackson this week sentenced 35-year-old Jayson K. Berde for second-degree home invasion and resisting and obstructing a police officer causing injury. Berde earlier pleaded guilty in the case. In exchange, an initial charge of first-degree home invasion was dropped.
Authorities say he broke into a woman's home March 17 in Saginaw County's Thomas Township, and apparently knew her through an ex-boyfriend.
Police caught him nearby, and an officer suffered minor abrasions trying to apprehend him.

I don't want to live in a world where blacking out and stealing your buddy's ex-girlfriend's panties on St. Patrick's Day is a crime. People should be exempt from all misdemeanors committed on that day. Isn't it your God given right to use St. Patty's as an excuse for getting incoherently hammered and doing something preposterous? This is just standard procedure if you ask me. Give him a fine, maybe slap him with a restraining order. But a year in jail? Come onnnn, mann! 20 bucks says someone I know does something equally as creepy and twice as hilarious this year, but come March 18 its water under the bridge...

For the record:
The Coalition not only appreciates behavior like this, we encourage it. Otherwise what would we blog about? You can only post so many stories about the Pistons losing, Miggy drinking, how many consecutive Cups the Wings will win and who we think the Lions will draft. So keep it up Michigan. America. We need your shortcomings in order to provide the people with verbal porn.

Ebensburg, PA - Police plan to cite two men who left a package containing a cow's head on the doorstep of some friends in Pennsylvania.
Ebensburg police Chief Terry Wyland tells the Tribune-Democrat of Johnstown that it was a "prank" that "went quite a bit over the top." The chief says a couple returned home from a trip Saturday evening to find a large cardboard box with their name and address on it near their front door. Inside was the cow's head. The chief says it "caused the victims, especially the wife, stress." Police say the pranksters came to police headquarters to confess Tuesday night. One of them has experience butchering cows.

This is nothing compared to the pranks we used to pull as adolescents. To avenge the destruction of our famous tree fort, we flung eggs at the house, decorated the vehicles with paint removers, and performed activities that can't be spoken of involving strategically placed fecal matter and bodily fluids. We used to tape fishing line to the glass door with bolts hanging so you could run across the street, hide in the bushes, and knock on the door for literally 8 hours. It would keep people up all night, terrified, ready to blow their brains out because they thought they were hallucinating some type of civil terrorism.

A cow's head on the door step? How sophomoric. Randy and Billy Bob here must have planned this for a whole 5 minutes. And who are these pussy "victims" Waaaaahhh! There's a cow head on my porch! Waaaahhh! At least these people weren't Italian mobsters that you fucked with or that shit would be laying on your pillow. You'd be snuggling up with this steer for hours before you even knew your house was broken into. Boop-idda, Boop. Beep-idda, Beep. Just another Tuesday night, Fuhgetaboudit. You're lrasi and the fish. 

23 February 2011

Libyan Democracy?

Why don't you ask Doc Fucking Brown if the Libyans can be trusted? Shits been known since 85.

Is it Friday Yet?

On any given week Friday is my least productive work day, followed closely by the days Monday – Thursday. Obviously, this is due in part because Thursday night continues to be, since the dawn of time, the best night to party. I mean when you offer to sell me beers for $1 and chicken wings for 25 cents it goes without saying I am going to consume both in excess, but I’m getting away from the point. The consequence of the school night party, is the work day hang-over and I am going to give you a few tips to successfully navigate this most unpleasant day.

  1. Snooze Early Snooze Often
Feel free to hit that snooze button a few extra times, it’s a drop in the bucket in terms of the sleep you have already sacrificed, but it’s going to help you get mentally prepared for the day. The last thing you want to do is hop straight out of bed and get to it, if a crucial injury is going to occur, now is the time, so pace your self.

  1. Show up late
Don’t think you will be able to conceal the state your in, you were marked before you walked in the door, wrinkled shirt, glassy crusty eyes, smelling like a bottle of Jack. Remember, before your boss was your boss, he was a bro and as such he knows what you will be capable of today, nothing. Don’t think of it as being truant, think of it as fulfilling everyone’s expectations.

  1. Pace Yourself
I cannot stress this point enough, too many times I’ve seen the weary Friday worker come out of the gates strong, fueled on the residual effects of last nights booze, only to spend the late morning calling dinosaurs on the restroom floor. Be honest with yourself, you will be as useful as stacked shit. Today is not the day to go for the title belt, survival is the goal.

4. Suck it up

The only thing more annoying than alcohol induced brain pain, is the dude in the cube next door bitching about his. We get it, you’re a party boy, now stop making my morning sound like a Miley Cyrus record. Stay the course and you will be rewarded, sick days were meant for homecoming weekend, or the day after the Flaming Lips show July 7th Aragon Ball Room, Extra tickets available! So don’t waste one here.

Hope you found this guide helpful, and while I cannot promise this won’t get you fired, I can promise that it will get you as close to neutral as any other method know to man. I mean isn’t that the point after all? Because, dude, it’s Friday and happy hour starts at 5, don’t let your vag get in the way of everyone’s good time.

Matt Stone and Trey Parker...OMFG

Are you shitting me!

Matt Stone and Trey Parker, the creators of the funniest show ever animated/made, are making a fucking musical...about Mormons!

This will probably be so funny you would need to bring a diaper and extra change of pants because at the end of the show you will need both to leave the theater comfortably. (Click video below to learn about the show)

Well, it’s settled this event is for sure replacing a weekend of chatroulette. I can’t even being to imagine the hilarity of this musical seeing that both Matt and Trey, are in the apex of their creativity and if you disagree see the video below:

I mean look what they did when they made a movie using marionettes...Team America, Fuck Yea man. That is, to this day, one of the funniest movies I have ever seen.

So when these two gentlemen create what they consider to be an entertaining broadway musical I hope it sparks your interest, for two reasons really. One, it is a guaranteed good time for you and a group of friends and two, I need to bum a ride...seriously I’ll bring the diapers.

Gym Tan Yayo

In light of my sudden hangover I felt this morning from the Wings game, my blogging was not at 100% today. I wasn't interested in looking at anything that contained more than 15-20 words. Therefore no news stories about Allen Park Fire Department cuts, NBA Trades, and pirate hostages were read beyond the headlines. It may be considered what we in the biz call "under-performing;" but I'm an Exec at the Coalition so fuck off.

I did, however, come across this gem of a clip from last week's Jersey Shore.

Not only did The Situation try to pull a robbery on Pauly D's Ex-box last week, but he has the bawlls to blow a rail right in front of the camera. Sitch and this broad are pretty interested in the charm on her necklace and at the 57 second mark they both have a sudden irritation on their noses that require immediate attention. You're a celebrity now bro, you gotta learn the ropes. Blow the lines in the bathroom where theres no cameras like Lindsay Lohan does.

Editors Note:
Lil sis took it upon herself to hate on this blog post. Has one night of drinking during the week skewed my performance that much? I'm no Ron Artest here. Let's take it to the followers on this:

Answer via comment if you think that either:
A: Lil sis is an idiot wasting company time
B: Wild Steve had too many pops last night and underperformed
C: I should retire from blogging effective immediately
D: Popsicles are delicious

My Albino Rhino

Do The Creep!

Finally it's popular to be a creeper! Bros around the world rejoice! Just in time for summer and sun dresses, right creeps? This is going to get out of hand, I can just feel it. You give a creeper an inch, they'll take your virginity. I love how Nicki Minaj is reppin' the lady creep because there is a such thing. Girl creeps are the worst. 100% unavoidable, usually smelly, and mostly mousy. 

Side note: How is this happening the same week that Planned Parenthood loses their government funding? Coincidence? 

Seriously though, the Lonely Island guys can do no wrong. The Incredibad CD was straight fire. Every time you're on a boat you update your Facebook letting your friends know you have your flippy floppies and your nautical themed pashmina afghan. Dudes were legit putting their dicks in boxes and giving them as gifts. These guys can even make inadvertently soiling your pantaloons popular.  "Booty Call" made milk shoot out of my nose and I wasn't even drinking any. Can't wait for their second album, "The Dudes" to drop this spring.       

Sharks vs. Wings

So I tried to blog live from the Joe and the Droid wasn't having it. I'll try to recap best I can.

6:55 - The Eat 'Em Up Tigers guy expanded his horizons buy catering to his target audience. The "Eat 'Em Up Red Wings" chant was in full force. I am semi-convinced he's a real bum.

7:03 - I take pictures of the cityscape, eager to blog. I look like a tourist. Slightly embarrassed and significantly buzzed, I stand in line to get in. My cheeks match my Red Wings sweater. The wind off the river is roaring.

7:12 - We realized the 7pm game time was a farce and the puck doesn't drop until 7:30. 2 tall Molson's please.

Somewhere in between, a hockey game happened. We ended up on the wrong end. Mere details compared to the people watching, those who called the Joe Louis their "escape" on a Tuesday night. From the man with a mullet rocking a Hasek jersey, to the 4th grade teacher sitting next to me, I have never been more proud to be a Detroit-er. These people have character goddammit. The teacher sitting next to me had  elaborate stories about the city that made it feel like less of a hockey game and more of an experience. I vaguely listen, smile, and nod, while I watch the action on the ice.

9:37 - We soak in the city. What do you have to offer on a Tuesday night Detroit, we challenge?

10:13 - Coco Joe's is on fire. Almost literally. Bartenders are lighting beer bottles on fire and spitting flammable alcohol into the flame. I can feel the heat on my face. Place is out cold.

10:37 - With the Spartans game on every TV this bar is ALIVE, even though we are down 9 and there is little faith in a struggling team.

10:46 - Spartans somehow pull off the notable victory we have been waiting for. This team looks ready to dance. Prove it!

10:47 - Girls are dancing on the bar. "Shake That Ass, Bitch" on blast. (video coming soon)

All in all, great night. It exceeded my expectations for a weeknight in the D. Place was unreal. I could only imagine if the Wings won. People know the Wings are getting ready for a Stanley Cup finals appearance, and one slight speed bump would not deter a good time.

This is our escape from the grind. This is our livelihood. Can't wait for it to get warm because for some reason this city is energized. I can feel it. This is the most hype I've seen Detroit in years. Go downtown if you don't believe me. A fantastic time is inevitable.

22 February 2011

Harvey Updyke Jr. - Pride of Alabama

Just when you thought you didn’t have enough reasons to hate Alabama, along comes this fucking guy. I assume you have all heard the story, but in brief, this way too old, way too sloppy, hill-billy mess was the dude who poisoned the tree at Toomers Corner. Toomers is where you will find the students of Auburn on the rare occasion they find themselves in the W column. (Previous season obviously withstanding, you’re well aware sans Cam Newton Auburn was a 7-5 team at best.) Screaming, celebrating, throwing toilet paper, and all other variety of hood rat shit. (I mean come on, act like you’ve been there before.)

Don’t get me wrong, I am no defender of Auburn, or any SEC school for that matter. But, when you’re this far removed from a school and your fanhood makes you want to cause emotional distress to a bunch of kids, you have issues. When the target of your aggression is a tree, you have a body in your trunk.

Meat heads are funny, meat heads can be fun to party with, hell, I may even know a thing or two about being a meat head, but no one likes a 60 year old meat head. Too-old dude at the party, egging the crowd on; it’s strange, uncomfortable, and totally harshes my buzz. So folks, get out there, have an age appropriate time, and don’t be a meat head.

Ps. Thanks to the Coalition for inviting me to the party, I will make a modest attempt to not be super disappointing, and quick shout out to all the Wu Disciples reading this, two weeks until Raekwon’s new album drops, which means seven days until were are illegally downloading them shits from the interwebz … wu-tang, wu-tang, wu-tang.

Pay Me Boyeee

Beats by Dr. Dre

ESPN just showed Jared Sullinger warming up with $400 Beats By Dr. Dre headphones. Now how does a college kid afford $400 headphones? How can parents who just put one kid through college and with the  economy in the Midwest afford to drop $400 on headphones? The answer is they can't. Quit paying your players, Ohio State. You gotta wonder how they keep getting one and done guys. Thad Matta is such a snake. Dirty program.

Me Talk Pretty One Day


Thufferin' Thuccotathh. Apparently people with a speech impediment read with an lisp. Who would've thought? Does this answer the question of how people who speak two languages think in their head? What language do they speak when they think? I'm gonna stop right here because this very question baffles me so much that it might ruin my day.
Oye should faurce you mates to read moy posts in a Bri'ish cockney tone. Bullocks. Damn, blokes. Oye mean that's how Oye towk in me 'ed, ya? Frew yew off a bit iddinit? Oye'm haveta royte everyfing loike this. Ole right then. Cheers!

We'll Do It LIVE!

Just bros being dudes tonight at the Joe Louis Arena. We're gonna be blogging live from the game. We'll be plenty of $8.50 beers deep; Molson tall-boys of course. Check in for live pregame predictions from the "Eat 'Em Up Tigers" bum, pictures of the D on a lovely Tuesday night, and in-game analysis/people watching.  

Mine as well...

I'm a big fan of proper grammar. Honestly, I've deleted friends off facebook for misusing and misspelling shit. For instance: If your facebook status is something like "Going to work than class than gym than finally getting some sleep.."; you're getting deleted. Plain and simple. The only exception is if you're a dime and your profile is perfect for creeping. I digress.
Today I got hit with one that's been bugging me for a long time. "Mine as well..." Excuse me? Mine as well? As in, "You mine as well send it to him and see what he thinks." Direct quote from an email my boss sent me today. Am I wrong, or is it supposed to be "might as well?" I feel like it's becoming all too common for people to replace Might with Mine. Just look at it. It makes zero sense. Replace "mine" with another personal pronoun and see how much sense it makes. "I yours as well just go to the store and get a new one." See, you look like a tard saying something like that. This has become one of my biggest pet peeves recently, and I wish everyone realizes what they are saying. So listen to me and listen to me good, illiterates. MIGHT as well is the phrase, not MINE as well. Accept it. Embrace it. Use it.
You're Welcome

BREAKING: Carmelo to the Knicks

Carmelo: "Deal or No Deal?" Kincks: "Deal!"


Well I think it's safe to say that the Knickerbockers are my new favorite team. I'll spare you the details of the elaborate trade, but you can find it in the link above. Since acquiring A'mare Stoudemire, I've been giving this team some attention. Now with the addition of Carmelo, who has been my favorite player since he was at Syracuse, they are unstoppable. Kid has swag through the roof. Girls like his Dougie like Patty Mayonnaise. Now that he is in the biggest market on planet earth, the man is going to explode. He is as attention whore-ish as it gets. The only difference between him and LeBron is he had enough class to do this the right way.

It's hard to really get behind a team in this league that isn't your home team, since there is zero passion from 95% of the players in this league, and a collective bargaining agreement ready to cause a work stoppage for the 2011-2012 season. Let's be real for a second. Detroit Pistons are irrelevant in every sense of the word. Their main problem is lack of passion. Passion!? Really? I mean despite the fact that there's an owner that's checked out for years, there are teammates with zero chemistry, and besides 2 or 3 young players, no future.  There is no way the pistons will compete for a title within the next 5-7 years. The Knicks, Heat, and Bulls are built to win now, and in the future, and will dominate for the better part of the decade. The team's in your hands Mr. Dumars(for now); show me something.

21 February 2011

The Hype is REAL...

This guy's pretty spot on here. This is almost verbatim what happens when you get Four Loko'd out of your skull. Drunk facebooking, hollerin at bitches, getting escorted from establishments, borderline gay shit and possible homicide. Just guys trying to have a good time. Everything you've heard about Four Loko is real, and Dom Mazzetti is living proof. Personally, I'm terrified of the shit. It tastes like paint thinner and God knows how capable I am of taking shit to the next level. No additional enablers are needed for that. Tequila and Four Loko are off limits for Wild Steve. Ask anyone who was in Windsor, Canada circa August, 2005; shit just doesn't do me right. I digress. Maybe it is a blessing in disguise that this shit was taken off the shelves. The more stories like these that spread, the more inclined our underage drinkers are to pursue a Four Loko kind of night.