29 December 2011

Over/Under Pistons Total Wins: 15?

Serious question. Who can these schmucks beat? The score last night in the home opener against fucking Cleveland wasn't even an indication of how lop-sided the game was. And the Pistons still got blown out. When we play the likes of the Knicks, Miami, Dallas, and OKC we'll get beat by 50 each night. Brandon Knight must be looking for an exit strategy already.

With the first pick in the 2012 NBA draft, the Detroit Pistons select ... Jared Sullinger. Maybe we can pay him as much as Ohio State does. It's bad enough we drafted a Dukie in Kyle Singler last year. Now we're gonna have to draft a Buckeye. How can we root for a team full of players we hate?

P.S. Fire Dumars. Countless terrible contracts that we'll have on the books for the long term and a miserable attempt to "rebuild". He hangs on to every player with any trade value until this team has sucked all the talent and will to play out of their soul.

28 December 2011

Pistons are in for a long, shortened season...

The NBA season also arrived under the Christmas tree this year, and the Pistons are one 33rd of the way through it. And, well, it doesn't look to promising. The shortened 66-game season may very well lead us to another lottery-bound April. I honestly wouldn't be surprised if we won less than 20 games this year. After watching the first 2 games result in blowout losses to mediocre (at best) teams, it's hard for me to point out many bright spots to watch for this year. But I'll take a quick stab at it..

On the bright side:

First round pick Brandon Knight could really turn into quite the player someday. Maybe even sooner than later. He dropped 23 points and 6 assists including a handfull of 3-balls, a buzzer beater from beyond the arc, and a no-look dime to this Vernon Macklin chap. Oh yeah, and he did all of this coming off the bench. Hell, at one point when the deficit was still manageable the
boy went on a tear scoring like a dozen straight points to almost bring us back into it. Almost. Still, not a bad performance by any means for a guy playing in only his 2nd NBA game.
Greg Monroe is off to a slower start but I expect another solid year outta the guy. I mean, look at the front court he's anchoring. Jonas Jarebko is starting at power forward. Which reminds

On the shitty side:
Points in the paint. It's pretty cut n' dry really. Cleveland and Indy both put up an ass load of them. The Pistons wanted nothing to do with them. It got me thinking (and tweeting.. @WildWildSteve) I can't wait to have Charlie V back! Seriously, its that bad.

DE-FENSE! All the talks about new, Mad Magazine cover boy look-
alike coach evident that either A. it really is a "work in progress", B. no one knows how to play defense in general or C. the players have already stopped listening to what the dude says. The coaching staff gets Shitty Side honorable mention because I'm only at about 88% distain for the guy. I mean its young in the season, but the guy hasn't shown me shit yet. He coached a star-studded Nets team back in 2004 to like 60 wins but my mom coulda racked up at least 50 with that roster. We coulda had Avery Johnson... Lawrence Frank preaching Defense above all else has kinda gone astray on me. Its

When in Rome:

I'm not sure I'm using the phrase correctly but there's still a lot of things that are up in the air for this team. Ben Gordon looks like a totally different player that scored like 40 points a night in the playoffs with Chicago. There's still time to play with the line-up to get Knight and Stuckey on the same page and starting together. Will "the Thrill" Bynum has been one of my favorite players on this team but hasn't set foot on the court in the first 2 games? Maxiell and Ben Wallace are bringing lack-luster performances to the table. But we do have Dominique Wilkins' nephew on the roster sooooo...

So sans some killer chemistry development and ridiculous development from rookie sensation B-Knight, I don't expect a whole lot this year. Hell, I won't even be able to watch when the Heat come to town. 16-60. See you on Draft night

God bless us...Every one!

Well another Christmas has come and gone and let me tell you I couldn't be happier. The one thing I wanted this year, I got it. No not the nice wallet from my roommates, or the prime rib dinner Christmas eve. This gift came wrapped in blue and silver. The Detroit Lions smashed on Phillip Rivers and the Chargers like they were a Christmas ham, clinching a playoff berth for the first time since 1999!

Stafford was near perfect on Christmas Eve, finding open receivers 3 times for scores and almost 400 yards. Megatron was back to being Megatron. Kevin Smith fooled everyone into thinking we weren't the second worst rushing team in the league. And Cliff Avril put a bow on it when he one-handed Rivers' pass outta the air and ran it in for a TD.

Christmas usually involves me drinking more wine and spiked Eggnog than I had initially expected, but with no rhyme or reason to it other than gluttony. But this year was a Christmas to celebrate! Forward down the fielld......

22 December 2011


Vancouver, British Columbia -- Add Ryan Kesler to the list of NHL players not happy with Red Wing Niklas Kronwall's open-ice hits.

Kronwall nailed Kesler in the third period of Wednesday's 4-2 Vancouver victory. Kesler then went after Kronwall, who didn't respond to Kesler's challenge of a fight. Kesler was called for roughing, and Kronwall was penalized for … nothing, adding fuel to the fire.

Kesler, a Livonia native, joined a list that includes Martin Havlat, Teemu Selanne and Ryane Clowe, among others, who've been angry with Kronwall's ways over the years.

Of the hit, Kesler said, "He was backing up and I put my head down for a second and he hits me. That's obviously his go-to move, always.

"I haven't seen it (the replay), but my only problem with the hit is that he doesn't stand up for himself afterward. If you're going to hit guys like that, you're going to have to drop the gloves."

Clean hit, bottom line. Kronwall only comes off his feet for a split second because Kesler crumbles like a complete bitch and Kronwall's entire body is forced to go over top of him. As for Kesler's response, Kronwall isn't going to fight you because Nik is a team-first player and knows he serves his squad better when he's on the ice. Kronwall is slowly becoming the anchor of our defense as Lidstrom passes the torch, so to speak. And how about Kesler's argument? "I put my head down for a second and he hits me." Ever since you're in peewee hockey you know to never, and I mean never, put your head down. If you do, expect to get your bell rung. Either he put his head down for literally one second after clearly seeing Kronwall literally hauling ass after him, or his head was down for more than just a second. After watching the video, I'll go with the former. Kesler knows what's coming, and there wasn't shit he could do about it but melt to the ice and let the second and third men in handle his dirty work.

Another thing I don't quite understand is how Kesler is talking about dropping the gloves. As soon as he gets up after getting laid out he is immediately back down on the ice and Kronwall is already picking up his bucket thinking to himself, 'just another day at the office'. You're not exactly the fighting type either, Ryan. Who's to say Nik doesn't leave you snoring after one haymaker? That's one shot, kid!

19 December 2011

Five Facebook Faux Pas

Everyone has their own Facebook pet peeves that make you want to quit Facebook forever. A Facebook free life seems so tempting, yet most of us can't live without it. If we could rid our news feeds of the following 5 things, our social networking experience would be far less depressing.

5. Mass Invites - No, Detroit Dubstep I don't want to attend an 18 and up dubstep show ever, let alone on a Tuedsay night in Hamtramack. And no, I don't want to water your FarmVille crops or take care of your puppy in Pet City. When you drop your phone in the toilet the first thing you should NOT do is invite every acquaintance on your "friends" list to a "Fucked up my phone. You know what to do" event. Just buy an Android phone like a normal person and all your contacts are saved to Google in the first place. Android phones = drunk proof.

4. Pictures of your food - Wow, that meal looks like it was delicious. You eat food too? Who woulda thought?

3. Comment section convos - All I wanted to do was make a witty comment on a status to make you LQTY(laugh quietly to yourself). Now I get a notification every time your great-aunt and your long lost cousin post a comment to catch up on each others lives. That's what their wall is for.

2. Making a Facebook page for your pet/toddler - Documenting a child's entire life via Facebook is an awesome idea. Contrary to popular belief, I want to see how cute/ugly your offspring is, and how they have brought joy to your life. But, was your primary intention to pass this Facebook page onto your child as soon as they're capable of using the Internet? And your pet can't even log into their FB account, which means you are maintaining your animal's social media life, and that's just sad.

1. Pimping your blog/tumblr/picsa/business - Guilty. I do this just as much as the next person. Look, if you're gonna read this site, I'm sure you'll come back to it on your own. I don't need to go to Facebook or Twitter after I create every post. We all think we are far more interesting than we really are. I'll follow your shit, don't worry, but please limit yourself to one self-promoting advertisement per week.

I think we've learned a lot here. Keep in mind these simple no-no's and we will all be in for a more enjoyable social media experience.


Calvin's Career Day

OAKLAND, Calif. -- Don't ask a boy to do a man's job. Hell, don't even ask a man. Ask a man-plus, supersized freak, a guy who is taller and faster than everybody else.

Ask Calvin Johnson.

You can talk about defending Johnson, and you can game-plan for him and bump him at the line and try to pressure Matthew Stafford so he can't get the ball to him, but at the end of the day, or the end of the game, the math never changes: taller + faster > smaller + slower.

Johnson finished with nine catches for 214 yards, and he deserves nine game balls. This was a performance for the ages, the kind that should shut up Johnson's three remaining doubters, two of whom just moved to a cave in South America.

A single player does not win a football game. But man, Johnson came close on that last, epic Lions drive. He caught a pass on the sidelines, one of the most artful plays in football -- catch, keep the toes down, fall out of bounds without dropping the ball.

Then came the preposterous: Johnson, doing a double move in the middle of the field, somehow turning triple coverage into no coverage at all. Stafford chucked the ball deep off his back foot. It was not a great pass. It didn't have to be. The Lions were in range.

Full Story

It's a performance like this that makes me want to allow Calvin to bang my future wife so that I could raise a Megatron Oreo baby into an All-Pro football player. I would be like Todd Marinovich's dad. I would make that kid eat, sleep, breathe route running. I'd make him have to jump to reach his food on top of the fridge when he is 4 years old. Now that's how you develop 40"+ verticals. And then I snap back to reality knowing that my kid would do more coke and heroin than Todd Marinovich because not only is his father a slave driving, narcissistic kook, but he'd be leading a pretty weird life at that point. His real father is a multi-million dollar hall of fame athlete, his mother is not around because she left me for a young black athlete, and he realizes I've never played an organized game of football in my life and everything I've taught him has likely hurt his chances of ever being a successful football player.

That's when I come to my senses and realize if I'm going to be a slave driver-esque parent, my kid will need to play hockey.

PS Sweet game, Calvin!


14 December 2011

May Your Time in Detroit RIP

Its officially the dawn of a new(er) era in Detroit Basketball as Rip Hamilton signed with the Bulls today. Ending his 9ish seasons as a Piston. Sure this dude has had more than his fair share of problems the last few years. Making headlines for all the wrong reasons. But as one of the few remaining TRUE Pistons fans, I'd like to wish him all the best on behalf of The Coalition. Rip was the team's leading scorer year after year, leading playoff scorer for the franchise, and was a corner-stone for the team that brought us back a Championship in 2004. His conditioning and style of play made it damn near impossible for a single person to guard him all game; thus helping define the "go to work" attitude of a team that had a 6-year run at the Eastern Conference Finals. A hard-nose baller through and through. We remember you for your mask. Your energy. And for helping put the Bad Boys of basketball back in business.

06 December 2011

Magic CEO takes a page out of WildSteve's book and gets a Late Night Drunk Dial

Vander Weide confirmed that he made a 1 a.m. phone call in recent days to Magic superstar Dwight Howard, and Howard thought Vander Weide may have been intoxicated. On that call, Vander Weide told Howard how much the Magic wanted to keep him in Orlando. "I was playing paddle with friends and had a couple of glasses of wine," Vander Weide told BHSN. "Maybe Dwight thought it was inappropriate to talk business after a couple of glasses of wine... Maybe I should have waited until the morning."

First of all; what the fuck is paddle? Secondly; my man needs a lesson in drunk dialing etiquette. You shouldn't drunk dial a bro no mater how much of a physical specimen he is until at least 2:30 AM, after all your ex GF's have blocked your number and/or cursed you out. I mean lets face it, at that point you just need someone to talk to.

We Created A Monster: Part 2

So last week I raised the question, "Who does this guy(Suh) think he is?", and I've found my answer. Suh thinks he's Tiger Woods. Short of the fact that Tiger banged out every cocktail waitress around the world, these two are eerily similar. Come to think of it Suh has probably had his fair share of strange, desperately trying to emulate his mentor. First off let's start with the Thanksgiving day antics. Both made national headlines for their Thanksgiving day transgressions. Tiger gets caught cheating, while Suh stomps a Packer. Shortly after their incidents both get in a car crash by speeding and hitting a tree. Both lie to authorities about the accident and later are called out on their blatant lies. Both men's sponsors publicly announce that they will stick by their ambassadors to save face on marketing plans that they've spent way too much money on to throw away, and will eventually latch onto the next big thing. (You think Tebow eats Subway? Prolly not. Your safe there, Nd.) Both are light-skinned black men that make you wonder if they're really black or some type of foreign.

Where these men differ is that Tiger is a proven winner. The only thing that could clear his name was to get back to his winning ways again, such as this past weekend. Until Suh can get back on the field and help lead this team to the playoffs, he will be in the spotlight for all the wrong reasons. Keep your head up big fella. Let's focus on getting you back on the field and embrace your winning potential. Everybody loves a comeback story. Keep your nose clean and deliver for us, and you'll be back in our good graces by January.

05 December 2011

Christmas Songs Like You've Never Heard Them Before

As a child, Christmas songs had very little meaning. More or less a tune to hum while your decorating or shopping and nothing more. But have you ever listened to the words of some of your favorites? Let's give it a try, shall we? I present to you, The Cynical Side of Christmas.

First up, "Grandma Got Ran Over by a Reindeer". I'll tell you what I hear. Grandma had too much eggnog (and brandy) and she wanted to pop some pills because she didn't have any earlier. The grandson and her husband, good ol' Grandpa, refuse to give her the car keys. Somehow she sneaks out the door and figures she'll just walk to the pharmacy to get her Xanax. Instead of Grandma getting arrested for drunk-in-public, she gets mauled by a reindeer. The cops suspect foul play, but Grandpa's story checks out. Here's the kicker. Now Grandpa believes in a higher power because his only Christmas wish was for his wife to drop dead so he could gamble and have a beer in peace, without Grandma being up his ass. And what does the family do? They debate over returning or divvying up Grandma's gifts. No wonder Grandma was a boozer.

On to one of my all time favorites, "Baby It's Cold Outside". I'm not sure how courting worked back in the 1940s, but this dude seems to be striking out. I mean without the help of AOL Instant Messenger in high school, I'd probably still be a virgin. This guy is face to face and laying it on thick. He's what we in the 21st century call a "creeper". Homegirl has every excuse in the book. She's like 'my dad's gonna fucking kill you then kill me if I don't go home, but maybe a half a drink more' (God I hope I don't have a daughter. You know that "half a drink more" stems from underlying daddy issues and she's just doing this out of spite now.) My man says 'absolutely, go crank the tunes, tootse, while I get your drink.' *slips roofie* She comes back and goes "Say, what's in this drink?" All dude can say is how cold and stormy it is. I'm getting' it in for sure, he thinks. She says "no"at least 4 times. He goes 'no seriously it's really cold out.' She goes 'ok, now my dad and brother are both gonna kill you. If its so cold why don't you give me a coat then?' He gets pissed, threatens to cry, and wishes she dies of pneumonia.

Can't forget "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus". This kids mommy is kinda a skeezer, no? First, she's wide awake at all hours of the night just waiting for Santa to squeeze through that chimney. "Mommy" is a chubby chaser too. This is premeditated because the mistletoe is strategically placed, and ready to go. Boom. She plants one on the jolly man. As she goes in for "the tickle", the kid sees what's goin down. Little does he know, when daddy finds out, it's not going to be as funny as he thinks. "That Kringle is a dead man!", screams dad, tossing the plate of cookies at the wall. Christmas day family meetings about an impending divorce are hilarious, right kid?

01 December 2011

You Sound Like you're From Lon-DON!

I don't know why I'm laughing so hard at this, but the British accent in general just cracks me up. Certain syllables are said in a deeper tone than other. A lot of it doesn't make sense. Just great! I was kind of looking forward to the person who filmed this rant turning the camera back on themselves to find out it was just some normal black dude, and this chick is just extremely racist.