29 April 2011

First Bar to Get This Game Wins the DTBC Launch Party

We've been talking about having a launch party for the website for quite some time now. The finances aren't there to throw a badass party solely off the blog's revenue, yet. By mid-summer it will be a go. Just enough time for a bar in Metro Detroit to adopt PoolBall. The instant I hear of a bar that has this game, I'm booking it. I want the inaugural game if at all possible. This game combines my two gayest skills, soccer and geometry, in one awesome drinking game. It would be the perfect cluster fuck mess that is undoubtedly the best metaphor for this website. A combination of skills that have no use for any important real life situation and drinking. Absolutely Perfect.

Staying on the subject of a launch party, there will be one very soon. If PoolBall doesn't take the world by storm by late July we're just gonna have to hold a kegger at "The Future" (aka my house) or a local watering hole that doesn't mind 100 staggering 20 somethings singing karaoke and vomiting in their flower pots. Stay tuned for the deets. Suggestions welcome, but will probably be ignored.

28 April 2011

Johnson & Johnson

It is not typically in my nature to report anything unfounded—or worse, something floating around on Twitter. But some things have come to my attention regarding the man once known as Chad Johnson. Chad Ochocinco, as he is known today, has been connected with the Detroit Lions several times in recent weeks. First it was his soccer showdown with Ndamukong Suh, which seemed to make sense. Today, Ochocinco worked out with Matthew Stafford and Calvin Johnson and afterwards had this to say on his Twitter feed. "@ if you are I think I should be like a little ,what you think?"
Could you imagine Calvin and Chad Johnson (you know he changes his name back to Johnson for jersey sale purposes half way through the year. Then Calvin's jersey would have to say Ca. Johnson. From a sales stand point the whole thing is brilliant). First Ocho drops a Transformers reference and then I drop a "Worlds largest Pharmaceutical and Therapuetical Company" reference. Is this real life?

27 April 2011

How is Raburn still on the team??

Seriously?? How long before someone in the Tigers organization realizes that this dude isn't worth a hair on Rich's ass. I honestly would trade him for 10 bats right now. No joke. And no, this isn't based off of last night's Jose Conseco-esque blooper homerun he gave up. He's not nearly enough of an offensive contributor to counter the defensive liability he brings. I can't count how many times I've seen him miss a ball in the outfield while doing some gay ass maneuver similar to Will Ferrell's ribbon dance routine in Old School. And isn't the dude like 33 or some shit? Bro is bald enough to be on a Bosley commercial. He aint getting any younger, or any better for that matter, so trade him for any corpse a team is willing to give up before its too late.

26 April 2011

pole smokin & game 7 chokin

24 April 2011

Video Metaphor for the Red Wings Playoff Run

All I can think of when I watch this is how dead on it is when explaining the Red Wings in the playoffs. Yes, we might be smaller and look to have weakness. When it comes to throwing our first blow, it will surprise you. Game on, bitch. Time to take it seriously. We trade shots, just like the 30 second mark, and leave you with your face in your hands contemplating your next move. Other teams will try to line us up and take a cheap shot (ala 1:10 mark), but we still will smack you in your fucking mouth, and inevitably get the last laugh.

22 April 2011

East Lansing 7-11 Struck Down By Rouge Automobile

19 April 2011

Greatest Wings fan ever?!

He wanted to watch Game 3 of the Detroit Red Wings and the Phoenix Coyotes, but had to work on Monday night. He even posted one of those maudlin "I'm going to miss the game" messages on his Facebook page. So sad.

Undaunted by the reality of his surroundings, John and Joe concocted a last-ditch attempt to spring him from his work obligations tonight: Inventing a holiday with a fake Wikipedia page so he could call out of work without any repercussions.

You know, like any of us would have.

Thus, the sacred "Kwanza holiday of El Juego De Tres De Los Siete (The Game of 3 Out of 7)" was born, according to Joe. Among the facts about this hallowed occasion:

"The beginning dates back to 1991, wherein the Detroit Red Wings would begin to make history as they made the first round of the NHL Stanley Cup Playoffs. Every year since then, due to this astounding holiday, the Red Wings have not missed the playoffs. The name literally means 'game 3 of 7' and is preceded by national holidays el juego de dos de los siete and el juego de uno de los siete. Following it will be quatro, cinco, seis and siete.

"It is customary for any subscribers to the religion of the Red Wings to request days off, often at little to no notice, in order to take part in a tradition that millions take part of. The tradition is to sit on a couch (later rules to the tradition say bar stools and lay-z-boy chairs are an adequate substitute) and watch the red wings game while imbibing the traditional snacks of pizza, wings and beer (pizza, wings and beer optional)."

These guys are Octopussy Monsters if I've ever seen one! I think a girl I work with called in today because she was out late watching the game last night; admirable in its own but she can't hold a flame to this shit! Making up your own holiday based on the wings being in the Western conference and playing playoff games at 10:30 is not only genius, but... well fuck I guess its just Genius! On one hand, I'm a little jealous that I didn't think of this idea myself (I've been known for a few gold ideas that have later became actual things, ask MdotNetz), and on the other I'm wondering what I would need to do to get my work to embrace this. Hats off to these over-achieving under-achievers. You have forever set the new standard of being a true Wings fan.

"That's Somebody's Daughter"

Grand Rapids, MI (CNN) - I saw someone at the airport the other day who really caught my eye.Her beautiful, long blond hair was braided back a la Bo Derek in the movie "10" (or for the younger set, Christina Aguilera during her "Xtina" phase). Her lips were pink and shiny from the gloss, and her earrings dangled playfully from her lobes.

You can tell she had been vacationing somewhere warm, because you could see her deep tan around her midriff thanks to the halter top and the tight sweatpants that rested just a little low on her waist. The icing on the cake? The word "Juicy" was written on her backside.

Yeah, that 8-year-old girl was something to see alright. ... I hope her parents are proud. Their daughter was the sexiest girl in the terminal, and she's not even in middle school yet.

Abercrombie & Fitch came under fire this spring for introducing the "Ashley," a push-up bra for girls who normally are too young to have anything to push up. Originally it was marketed for girls as young as 7, but after public outcry, it raised its intended audience to the wise old age of 12. I wonder how do people initiate a conversation in the office about the undeveloped chest of elementary school girls without someone nearby thinking they're pedophiles?

G-Rap in the building! Westsiiiiideeee! 
Easy there writer guy. You should check the link for this guy's picture. The writer of this article is a middle-aged black man with a "Denard" hair-do. Dude is up in the airport just scoping for tail, and he runs up on an 8-year old? That description had me at "Juicy" on the booty. Love those. Where the author goes wrong in this is that he's not lookin' for mama bear. The apple doesn't fall too far from the tree and moms is prolly a certified slam piece. You know the type. She wants to be the cool mom and pretend like she's still in high school gettin' in on all the playground drama. Like the mom from "Mean Girls". She instigating her daughter to give handy's to the starting quaterback of the 3rd grade recess team so she can be popular from the get go. 

I see where the author is coming from though. Having a daughter would be a nightmare. Such is my luck. I know I'm going to have all daughters, and you better believe they're going to be playing hockey and softball just so people think she's a bro until she turns 16. Then I'll just have to pray every night, with my 9mm close by, that I won't have to go shoot it out with every male in the class of 2027.     

16 April 2011

Best Crank Dat Remix: Saved By The Bell Vs. Fresh Prince...WHO YA GOT??


Two of the greatest shows the 90's had to offer. Both shows are undoubtedly a staple in every pre-teen's daily lineup. The real question is who Crank's Dat Soulja Boy better? Bay Area white kids with token Latino and black people or all black everything from the burbs of LA? The classic battle of NoCal vs. SoCal. The rivalry thickens...

15 April 2011

I Know a Team Thats Got Desire

14 April 2011

Top 3 Wings Playoff Moments

It's that time of year again. The weather outside is still mostly frightful, but the NHL playoffs are just so delightful...and since theres nowhere else i want to go.....give me goals give me goals give me goals.

Here are my favorite April - June moments since i was just a little snake.

#3 - The Drought Is Over

#2 - 2008 - Nicky Lid Gets His Due

#1 - Shot Heard Around The World

Heres to many more! Go Wings Go!!!!!!!!!!

The Mickey Redmond Drinking Game

It's about time someone complies a list of his epic sayings. And what better than assigning a drink value to each?  We're gonna go from most common(least drinks) to most rare(you're gonna get faded). I'm just rolling with these off the top of my head with some help from select bros, so feel free to help me add on. List your favorites in the comments section.

2 Drinks

  • "Here we go"
  • "Look Out!"
  • "BINGO BANGO!" (unanimous favorite)
  • whenever Mickey draws on the screen during a replay
  • whenever Mickey says "gang"
  • "captain"
  • "Holy jumpin"
  • "got his bell rung"
  • Poor (insert goalie here) is thinking, where did you come up with that?"
  • "Oh my!"
  • "Goodness gracious"

4 Drinks

  • "Slow it down right here, gang"
  • "Holy Mackerel!"
  • when ha calls Hudler "happy"
  • anything about a ski mask when someone gets "robbed"
  • "That was like shooting ducks at the circus"
  • anytime they show Mickey after the opening draw
  • whenever Mickey says "boys"
  • "son-of-a-gun"
  • When Ken screams "Scores!"
  • "What is this league coming to?"
  • "got his bell rung!"

6 Drinks

  • When Ken says "A Datsyuk-ian move"
  • "You could throw a blanket on 'em" 
  • "Then down he goes like he was shot with an elephant gun"
  • anytime he gives a tip for the "youngsters"
  • anytime Mickey compliments the replay crew
  • "Holmstrom gets more attention around the net than a pretty girl at closing time!"
  • "The equalizer"
  • "Johnny on the spot"
  • "Shot out of a cannon"

10 Drinks

  • "Can you believe it?"
  • "oye youye youye"
  • whenever he references drinking (ie. pop, soda, beverage)
  • "He had (insert goalie here) out on 4th street"
  • Whenever Mickey makes fun of Larry for being hammered (ie. "Larry doesn't drink beer he drinks vodka and orange juice. Gotta watch out for that orange juice. It'll get ya.")
  • "He was standing there like a cigar store indian"
  • "Rockin' at the Joe"
  • "monkey on a high wire"

Kobe Fined $100K for Saying "Fucking faggot", I'd Be Fined $1.2 mil Daily

He drops it at the 0:36 mark.

I must say this is my go to phrase. I'd be fined hourly if this we're applicable to every day life. These days isn't everything shitty either gay, faggot, queer, cock suckers or some variation of that? I thought this was just common practice. If someone T'd me up and then I got fined $100 grrr, I would say some way worse shit than this. I'd be dropping fuck, fag, cunt, shit, and bitch at least 4 times each in a 35 word expletive phrase that would make your eyes water.  I must have a dirty mouth, right Orbitz gum commercials? I did learn from the best, though. I distinctly remember my mom calling a McDonalds worker a cunt, to her face, for what seemed to be no apparent reason. And I was 9. Ah, the good ol' days.

April in the D means rain and Wings

Zach Konnie, ladies and gentlemen. Great job today, Zach!

EDITOR'S NOTE- I had to jump in a calabo with the Wild one on this post. I think I'm somewhere between a Wing-Nut and an Octopussy Monster so you know I had to chime in. My take will be in italics. 

Well in all my 25 years on Sigourney Weaver's planet earth I've seen the Wings in the playoffs 20 of them. And they've won the cup 20% of the time. It's easy to take the Wings inevitable playoff appearance for granted after so many years; but here at the Coalition, we sing to the tune of "Hey Hey Hockeytown!" all spring long. And after watching last nights game I've broken Wings fans down to 3(5) categories:

The "Waste of a Ticket": I must start off by saying that although we find these on the low end of the Wings fan totem pole, they are 95% of the time slam piece broads. The trophy wife type. I'm sure you're well aware. Between questions like "What number is Tayshaun Prince? and "Can we go soon?(when there's clearly 12:43 left in the second peroid) No matter how annoying they maybe be, you're stuck between a rock and a hard place. Do I stay and enjoy myself or do I follow the lady that would rather get drunk than watch the game I spent $100 on? Sometimes you follow the lady because that's the only way I'm going to get any suction on my fuck-tion.

The "Townies": these are the folks who are so accustomed to the Wings making the playoffs that it just doesn't excite them anymore. As a resident of Hockeytown they are fans by default and say "hey, wake me up when they're playing in June." (See: Black guys and metrosexuals)

The "Casual Fan": granted they will watch every game when it's on, but that's mainly because they live with a Wing-Nut or they're at the bar hanging out and they have no other choice. This person is normally a significant other or an alcoholic friend that over time picks up a lot of hot knowledge about the Wings and basically watches for the fights and Mickey Redmond's antics. "Mickey Redmond drinking game"® coming soon. 

The "Wing-Nuts": here's where most Detroit-ers fall under, myself included. These guys grow their beards from day one of the playoffs, and gain about 10-20 lbs of beer weight depending on how deep into the postseason the Wings go. The Wings trump most things for these fellas (work, school, wives, etc.). And the top level Wing-Nuts sneak slimy sea creatures into the game to toss onto the ice. A milestone in one's life. (The Wild one hits the nail on the head. Eat.Booze.RedWings.)

And finally, the Octopussy monsters: These guys live for one thing and one thing only; Red Wings Hockey. I know a lot of you think "I bleed red and white," but you guys aren't on quite the same level. I'm talking about the 1 dude at the Joe that is so confident the Wings will win, he waits 'til 2 minutes left in the 3rd period to throw his octopus on the ice. Nothing says dedication like sitting through 58 minutes of hockey with a slimy octopus taped to the inside of your leg. Everyone around looks at you weird as you down 7 Molson XXX's and stink of sea water, while hotdog debris get stuck in your beard that grows abnormally fast. It's these fans that set Detroit head and shoulders above the rest when it comes to hockey playoffs. Godspeed octopussy monsters. (Ok these guys are intense. These men would glue pubes (that have been growing longer than their beards) to their face, just to add to the beard. Bro knows all the referees by name and won't go berserk when they make a bad call, but disappointingly disagree with a "C'mon, Dan", in the same tone you'd use if you're boy pissed himself. He has no family because the fans are his siblings, the refs are his buddies and scapegoats, the beer vendor is his bartender, and the stadium seat is his recliner. The Joe is his home, and rightfully so.)

Happy playoffs bros.

-Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone because my work blocks my blog page

11 April 2011

Trip to Pittsburgh!

Sign us up! Members of the Coalition are taking our talents to Pittsburgh for a weeknight to see the Tigers play the worst franchise in sports over the past decade, the Pittsburgh Pirates, on May 21st. Our journey is likely to include various drunken antics, but if we were to see a guy get tased and gang beaten by rent-a-cops, that might make my year. Blogging gold! I'll be wearing my Cindy Crysby shirt, Red Wings hat, and hopefully some other article of clothing that says "fuck you" to the city of Pittsburgh, so maybe it'll be me getting tased. I'd still put my money on Wild Steve getting tased before me 99/100 times, but only time will tell.

My Strange Addiction is Pushing It

Whatta fuckin' weirdo, right in our own backyard. My problem with that is this; how are you gonna call out the D like that? God knows where the toilet paper eater, the hair dryer lady(totally legit by the way), or the chalk eater is from. Now TLC goes out and finds the weirdest guy on the planet, and before they even tell you what's wrong with him they have to bring up the fact he's from Detroit. Makes our whole city look like greasy unemployed silicon fuckers. I'd rather be the city of couch cushion eaters any day.

10 April 2011

Take Me Out To The Ball Game

"I gotta pay for HBO and birth control. Why should public radio be free?"

07 April 2011

FBI Documents Released on Biggie Murder

Entertainment Weekly Article

LA Times Actual FBI Documents

Some wild conspiracy shit going on here, that's for sure. Something here smells fishy and either Suge Knight ate a tuna fish sandwich for lunch or he's the ring leader behind all of this. As if that wasn't completely obvious already. I think it's hilarious what they found in Biggie's pockets though. "Biggie had a Georgia driver’s license, a pen, 0.91 grams of marijuana, an asthma inhaler, and three condoms." I see you Chris. My man's just out tryin to write rhymes and eff bitches.

Opening Day Tomorrow!

This is my excited dance, and I'm not even going. I'm kicking myself for not quitting my job over this. First time in my life I've ever had tickets to the opener and I can't go. I'll take the $110 bucks for a $15 face ticket any day, but tomorrow is going to be something special. I had plans of hanging out with the Eat 'Em Up Tigers bum, getting kicked out of Cheli's(not the first, won't be the last), and blogging about the debaucherous goings on that is the opening day tailgate. Meh, maybe next year. *loses soul*

04 April 2011


A lot of talk about riots going down after tonights basketball game, and that got me youtubing videos all day. The main take away I got from the videos:
When rioting, always wear a baseball cap, and a bandanna around your face.
1. This protects you slightly more then the other assholes without bandannas from the tear gas which is almost inevitable when dealing with cops breaking up riots.
2. Nowa days everytime something sweet happens, some nerd asshole busts out his camera and video tapes it, and throws it on youtube. Classic way to get everyone involved arrested. The bandanna is perfect for when the cops says: " who just threw that lit bag of shit into the crowd?"
Guess what? Your safe! Noones gonna know that you threw the flaming shit that sent 5 people to the hospital.
So If you forget the bandanna, its ok to go middle eastern and wrap the whole face with a t-shirt, and if you see someone video taping grab the camera and smash it. Just simple rioting rules....

Opening Day Follow-up

In case you were wondering how well the cleaning of Tiger Stadium went on Sunday, here is a video from the Free Press.

03 April 2011


This is a small step up from years past, but still below par. I always get excited for these songs because at some point in the next 30 days it will be embedded into my brain worse than Rebecca Black - It's Friday. Hate it or love it, get used to it. I guarantee that I can write a better song than this. Next year?