16 May 2011

Yes...The Bros Are Fantasy Football "Guys"

by Jacob Allen
Dear Coalition Of Fantasy Ballers,

Championship Round
Every fall a few of the bros, myself, and a few other   friends and family compete in what is becoming a serious fantasy football league.  Staying true to my roots, as commish, I chose Detroit, MI CCY as the name of this league.    This embodies how all of us feel at D Town Bro Co.  Like Eminem on "Recovery"...or Ma$e on "Welcome Back"...each and every year I believe that the city of Detroit is going to storm ferociously back.  Why can't we?  The Tigers came back after a lifetime of sucking.  The Pistons came back from the damn teal horsie jerseys...and they won a title.  The Lions seem to have come back or at least started coming back.  The Red Wings dont need to come back...but even the mighty winged wheel managed to come back from being down 0-3 to force game 7.  (No...we are not going to talk about that game)  This year is not unlike any other.  Detroit is making a comeback.  Believe me or dont...i really dont care, but the writing is on the wall.

So onto our league.  I am without a doubt "Stat Geek".  I have already begun doing extensive research on next years draft...and yahoo wont even let me open the league because its too early.  Enough said.  I am also the guy that fell head over heels in love with Peyton Hillis because I got him on the waiver wire week 1.  Our league has a mix of all the other "guys".  Let me briefly outline who these guys are.  This will include current and past members of the league.

   The Jerk

   The Stat Geek

   The Wing It Guy

   The Drunk Guy
The Stat Geek:  King of the Hillis (Me or Snake to the Bros)

King of the Hillis:  Plans 5 months in advance.  Writes fantasy football posts on his blog in early May.  Strategicly negotiates trade partners in early May.  Already knows his top 12 picks so he wont be surprised with his draft position.  Total STAT GEEK.  Completely obsessed.  I win or find myself in contention in any fantasy league in any sport I am in.  This is a product of my lack of a life and total obsession with digital domination.  Sad...at best.

The Jerk:  Mandigo (Matt Waz)  Winners Win (Lucas Allen) in a 2 way tie

Mandingo:  Refuses to trade Vick all season yet has Drew Brees on his team and we can only start 1 QB.  Total JERK.  Same guy that was egging me into forming some sort of secret alliance with him all season long because he wanted to make sure he at least got a little piece of the pie.  I think the last time he proposed this offer to me i was 13-2.  Week before the playoffs.  Again, Total Jerk

Winners Win:  Drafts Ryan Matthews and Shonn Green with his first 2 picks.  Then boldly claims that neither me nor anybody else knew anything because he is sweet at fantasy and doesn't think he needs to prove it.  Hes the guy that desperately needed to make a trade to save his season but turned down an offer of Peyton Hillis for Jason Snelling week 4 because, "Jacob...you don't know shit.  Jerome Harrison is the guy in Cleveland.  Trust me".  The only chance he had to save his season was trading his QB, Brady, but would not make the move unless the manager on the other end of the trade was willing to deal back his #1 RB and #1 WR in return.  Well played little brother.  Fast forward.   He ended up backing his bold draft and bold statements with a convincing 11 of 12 place finish.  I guess winners do win the last game of the year to see who finishes dead last and who squeaks into the 11 spot.  Round of applause.

The Wing It Guy: Little Giants (Thomas Paci) *easiest guy to identify*

200+ yards and 4 TD's Later
I've Spotted the Sucker
Little Giants:  Signs up for the league 2 days before the draft and only found an open spot because of a VERY late drop.  He confidently decides to come to the live draft with us (knowing full well he was in way over his head), sits next to me, and starts off decent by picking Peyton Manning with lets say the 10th overall pick.  Then it all goes south.  He proceeds with his next move; which is to select Beanie Wells 15 overall and quickly and severely loses his shit.  The entire league crucifies the pick...which causes Tom to admit to me in no more than a subtle (for my ears only) whisper, "This is my first time.  I have no clue whatsoever what im doing."  Looking back I wish that I had said this, "Tom....you really don't need to whisper.  You just picked Beanie Wells with the 15th overall pick.  The secrets out."   But as his friend and life encompassing mentor I did the right thing.  Which apparently was me drafting his entire team for him..."yada yada yada".  Needless to say I walked away from that draft telling myself and any others that would hear me, "Tom is the mark...and hes been the mark since day 1."  Tom if you are just now finding this out I am sorry.  It is like Mike McDermott (Matt Damon) said in Rounders, "Listen, here's the thing, if you can't spot the sucker in your first half hour at the table, then you are the sucker".  I'm willing to say that out of 14 regular season weeks....I had to set Paci's lineup 8 or 9 times.  Just wingin' it from start to finish.  Paci ended up finishing in the money...3rd place, but for every "wing it guy" you have a makes decisions for "wing it guy" guy.  Tom is getting no credit here and ive decided to reward myself with a pat on the back.  Somehow I finished #2 and #3 in the same year with only 1 team.  Weird.

On a side note, Beanie started the year off injured and did not manage to see Paci's starting roster 1 time all year long.  I will take a short break from my stat geek roll and play the jerk for a sentence or 2.  Great pick Tom.  You really hit a homer on that one.  

The Drunk Guy:  Mouse Trap (BroCo's Front Man Matt Netzel or MDotNetz)

Consolidation Round
Mouse Trap:  Matt overextended himself fantasy football wise this past year.  Fact.  He was in 5 leagues simultaneously.  Despite being a mainstay in Detroit MI CCY...Matt was probably burnt out on draft day.  I found him unable to log onto to the yahoo draft page which I cured with a simple cache clear.  It was almost as if Matt was lost before he even started his journey.  He was recovering from the year before in which he saw himself cruising towards the title...only to be derailed by a late season Ronnie Brown injury.  Shocking.  On draft day Matt could not dig deep and shift his focus to the fantasy draft from the Boise State v. Virginia Tech football game that was crankin on the B Dubs big screen.  Although Matt was not hammered at the draft....he was hammered when he revealed to our friend, and league champ Adi, information that he should not have leaked.  Mouse Trap took down the title of "I finished dead last" and for that I commend him.  I have faith that he will turn things around next year and again smell the aroma of success.

Heres a few other awards I am going to hand out:

The Loyalty First Guy:  P-U-N-K  (C-Bus to the Bros)
The Holds On To Players Too Long Guy: P-U-N-K

P-U-N-K  formerly known as He Hate Me & JayMariottisPimpHand:  Casual readers will not be able to relate to this but Chris took my side and my brothers side over others.  Chose right over wrong.  He was rewarded with a Vick for Cutler straight up trade at the end of the season that eventually put him in the playoffs.  I did take advantage of him when he was acting like the Holds On To Players Too Long Guy.  In this instance he held on to Brett Favre way way too long and I took advantage of him in one of the most vulnerable spots.  Halftime of a monday night game in which Sexty Brettzky had like -4 points at halftime.  This was the same game he got Randy Moss.  The same game Chris probably thought was going to put Favre back on the map.  A quick text offering him Jay Cutler straight up for Megatron as the first half came to and end was executed before the ball was kicked off to start half #2.  Brett went on to throw about 3 TDs in the second.  Chris loves to finish around 3rd or 4th every year.  He doesn't win...but hes always in the playoffs and its just a matter of time before he takes one down.

Best Team Ever Assembled, But First Losers
The Wow Your'e Cocky Guy:  King of the Hillis  (Me)

King of the Hillis:  See Image.  This was my Christmas card sent out to the members in the league.  Thats a combination of the Stat Geek being the I Know Photoshop Guy being the Wow Your'e Cocky Guy.

The Best Team Name Guy:  Nerd Alert  (Jeff Cherritt...a.k.a. Big Cuz
The Best Spot Start Guy:  Nerd Alert
The How Does He Keep Winning? Guy:  Nerd Alert

Nerd Alert:  I firmly believe that Jeff spends loads of time picking out names of his teams.  Whether he does or doesn't one thing is true.  He sticks to them through the thick and thin.  Heres a rundown on team names in the last 3 leagues I've been in with him.

Detroit MI CCY - Nerd Alert  9/10
The Association - Lunch Eaters 10/10
Fear the Schlong's Reality - Doc Givers 8.5/10

Just solid fantasy gold.  His team names year in and year out rival a Mariano Riviera cut fastball.

His spot start of the year came week 7 when he played me.  I was 6-0 and he was 5-1.  #1 v. #2.  I will always remember it as the day I got "Britted".   He was decimated with bye weeks and as you can probably guess he snatched Kenny Britt off of waivers...this was before Kenny Britt had done a single thing all year.  Britt went on to drop 40+ on me and in an unexpected whirlwind of Britt my dreams of running a train on everybody else every week and finishing with an undefeated season were dashed.  Impossible as it sounds...anybody in the know would say that I did have a very real shot.  My 2 losses came to Vick and his 57 Monday night points the same week I traded him to C-Bus as a favor, and to Kenny FREAKING Britt and his career break out game.  I hate it.  That day Jeff came to visit.  We sat next to each other and what started out as 2 adults acting like giddy excited children ended in almost silence.  I was sour for weeks but no argument possible at this point big cuz.  Great spot start.  Great win.  This kind of transitions right into Jeff's final designation...the How Does He Keep Winning? Guy.  These types of wins were his staple all year long.  Every week he had somebody step up out of nowhere.  That and he had Arian Foster.  I suppose that helped.  He finished the year heading into the playoffs with a record that would have been good enough to get the #2 seed had he been in the other division.  He lost early in the playoffs but fantasy playoffs are just dumb luck sometimes.  He'll do it again...and next fall I have no doubt that hell keep turning what seems like water into wine....week after week after week.  Jeff is a way above average fantasy baller and I thoroughly enjoy playing any fantasy league with him.  A total top bro top to bottom.

The Puck Wont Bounce My Way Guy:  SnakeKillers  (Ryan Griffin)

SnakeKillers:  First off Ryan was a fantasy football rookie, but as a rookie played a tremendous season.  He would make good smart moves only to find himself running into the top point scorer of the week.  Every week he would do the right thing.  He would start the right players.  He would grab the right waivers.  And every week he would lose his match up due to crazy gypsy magic circumstances.  Ive never seen the fantasy gods or some type of voodoo magic shaft a team harder than they shafted his all season long .  A perfect example of this is around week 10 we played each other and he ended up losing by something like 2 points on a last second defensive touchdown by my NYJ D.  At one time SnakeKillers appeared a sure thing to make the playoffs, but eventually ended up missing.  With 6 playoff spots available SnakeKillers headed into week 15 as the 7 seed on a total points tiebreaker.  True to form.  Ryan...the future is bright keep plugging along.

The No Add, No Trade, No Move Guy:  Kiss The Baby (Adi Dalvi)
The Champion Guy:  Kiss The Baby

Kiss The Baby:  What can I say?  He drafted the same team he played with the entire year...and then took me down in the finals.  No more than 4 total transactions the entire year.  The photo to the right shows the extent in which I bent him over in a late regular season match up, only to have him re bend me and return the favor in the finals.  I am just getting over hating him for it...but a congrats is in store.  You may not have deserved it, but you did get it.

So as fantasy football season draws closer I will be raining posts on the comings and goings of the Bro's league.  I will be providing updates as to the status of Detroit and how its making a run at this CCY trophy.  And I will share as much of my Stat Geek inside information as I deem appropriate.


Your Commish Snake