20 June 2011

Honey Badger vs. The Turtleman: It's About Time

by Jacob Allen
Tonight, we are going to witness one of the most anticipated matches in the history of professional  inter-web brawling.  It's time for the main event you've all been waiting for.  Lets introduce our contenders.

Honey Badger                                                                    
The reigning champ.  Wearing red and hailing from the Middle East, with a professional record of 5,000,000 - 0. He currently owns the Guinness Book of World Records title as the most "fearless member of the animal kingdom"...please welcome HONEY BADGER!!!!!

Clocking in at 35 lbs 4 oz with the infinitely sharp adamantium-esque blades he tell us are claws, H.B. tightly grips his "I DONT CARE. I TAKE WHAT I WANT" code of ethics and buries it, like a  stake straight through the heart of a vamp; mirking snakes, jackals, bees, larva, and anything else brave enough to cross this beast. H.B. is just crazy.  While other critters who found their 15 minutes of internet fame are busy grooming themselves Honey is busy manically stuffing his portfolio with kill streaks and bloodbaths;  deploying a brand of violence so twisted and emotionless it would bring Dexter to his knees. This is how Honey likes it...he will do the work and everything else can just pick up his scraps.  He REALLY don't give a shit.  Zero regard for any other animal.  He's really pretty bad-ass.

The Turtleman                           

Next...we welcome our challenger. At 187 lbs he has been called, "the poorest famous man around". Wearing blue, straight out of Kin-Tuckie, a 36 year pro, an indian rebel yelper with stones of a God.  Once recorded 33 consecutive TKOs (TurtleKnockOuts) in a single season, entering the bout at 500-1 (his only loss coming to a chainsaw) they'll need more than a shell and a razor beak if they want to survive this lunatic. Hes taken his talents all the way from the muddy swamps of the confederate south straight into to hearts, minds, and Facebook walls of millions of Americans.  Lets hear it for Kentucky's best kept secret.  Ladies and gentlemen it aint just for football...Gatorade is for the TURTLEMAAN!!!!!

His ascent has been bumpy and long.  Without the support and understanding of a single other human being, this predator knew early on that he was going this alone.  The Turtleman now serves as an inspiration, but the top is always so much better than the bottom.  Today...tonight...T.Man is on top.  With a inter-web Championship in sight and only 12 short rounds in his way...doubting he can do it just does not seem to be the smart play at this point.  People that knew him and society in general already tried that.  How did that go?  We said he couldn't...The Turtleman said he could, and he did.  Every day he would wake up, roll out of bed, punch the clock, and start tracking turtles.  Looking for the bubble trails...neck deep in slime.  That's how he got here. Hard work. Perseverance. Raw talent. And the inability to concede. To T.Man it always made sense.  Now it makes sense to everybody else.  Hes been snapped by a snapper about 25 times in his 36 years of wrestling the shelled reptiles, but he's still hunting turtles.  He got in a brawl with a chainsaw and lost....resulting in the removal of 5 teeth across the front of his mouth.  Well I guess whistling is out of the question so he trademarked a yelp.  "WEEE YEEE YEEE YAAAAH YAAAAAH WHOOOO EEEEEE OOOOOOP"

"Hunting turtles is easy", says Turtleman as he boyishly shows a grin that reeks of illiteracy.  "Being famous is the hard part."

Hey, words may not T.Man's thing, but bustin up skulls and rollin on turtle ass is and tonight hell do just that...to perfection.   

So like Buffer says best, "LETS GET READY TO RUMBLE."

I will leave this post and poll open for a week.  Tally up the poll and compile reader opinion.  Lets go with the comments.  DTownBroCo will reveal the winner and round by round recaps next Sunday evening (5/26).


Tony Poskus said...

Well I guess there was no action here whatsoever ... we're now getting your recycled episodes on Australian TV - given the emu drew blood, I'd be saddended to see what would remain after turtleman took on an inland Taipan snake ora saltwater crocodile.

Git some!

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