10 July 2011

IHOP-International House of...Painful Addiction?

This past weekend, I received a call of duty (not the video game that 40-year-old males that still live in their parents basement gauge their life success on). I'm talking a real call of duty. My brother planned to ask his girlfriend of two and a half years to marry him, and I was the likely hero chosen to set up his display of flowers, note cards, and champagne. I know what you're wondering, and the answer is yes...she did say yes. It would have made for some interesting pictures if she hadn't, as I was crouched in the woods across the street taking paparazzi-like pictures of the happy couple on their special night. I couldn't help but wonder if the next couple I would see strolling by would be Casey Anthony and Mr. Belvin Perry, the judge she paid off (insert definition of "paid" here) to rule her not guilty.

Anyways, the next morning our two families went out to breakfast together. The original game plan-not my choice-was to go to Big Boy, symbolized by the fairy in the red, checkered overalls who hardly looks like a big boy. I might go there to take a ride on the black waterslide on the top of his head, but not for eggs and bacon. To make matters worse for this happy-go-lucky bastard with rosy cheeks, we realized they were out of power when we got there. Now, for me, this was the best news in the world. It meant the possibility of going to IHOP.

IHOP, labeling themselves the "pancake revolution," is above and beyond every other breakfast nook this side of the nut house. They tell me to come hungry and leave happy-I come hungry and leave needing a cold shower. When waitress Sarah comes a callin', I know just what to say. "I'll have the Bacon Temptation Omelet, 3 Cinn-A-Stack Pancakes, and a side of hash browns." For all you health watchers out there, it's a breakfast of 1,990 calories. That's 99.5% of the calories allotted for a normal 2,000 calorie-a-day diet. That's not too bad, right? I again know what you're wondering-did we end up at IHOP? The answer is no, nope, not today...and for all of the Home Improvement followers-"I don't think so, Tim." And you know what the reasoning was? The rest of my group didn't want to make the 15 minute venture to this glorious restaurant. Instead, we ended up eating at the Holiday Inn. This came as a deep disappointment to me-now I know how Detroit Lions fans feel every January. All I wanted was bacon wrapped in a fluffy bed of eggs, a few pancakes smothered in cinnamon sauce with frosting drizzled down the side, and a plate full of shaved potatoes...heart attack in disguise? That's your call. But for now, I'm heading to IHOP. Stay classy, litte brothers!


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