18 July 2011

The Birds: Coming to a City Near You

The city of Grand Rapids has been in the news far too much lately for it's unfortunate and heart-breaking stories. Starting with the tragic shooting rampage on July 7th that left seven dead and ending with Grand Rapid's own, First Lady Betty Ford's death, this city has seen it's share of catastrophe in the past few weeks. Lately, a new obscure phenomenon has been taking place and gaining public attention quickly: the Angry Birds. Called by some a re-enactment of Alfred Hitchcock's 1963 horror film, "The Birds", Grand Rapids is now in code red as these flying devils are dive-bombing, head-pecking, and shit blasting any unlucky person quietly walking through their territory. Striking fear in many, you can now find Grand Rapids' citizens walking through the city on a gorgeous, 80 degree day with a rain suit and an umbrella to prevent themselves from being the latest victim of this dangerous coalition of birds. Check out the video:

Nicknamed "Angry Bird" by several media and victims, this type of bird is known as a red-winged blackbird. They are extremely territorial and are most likely guarding a nest full of eggs. I personally, along with my brother and my fiance, have been innocently victimized by these birds. Walking by the Grand Rapids museum, their "home-base", this Angry Bird attempted the stealthy dive bomb tactic. Initially, the bird gave us a subtle warning sign by squawking and chirping in an angry, "I'm going to kick your ass" type of a noise. Scary as it was, it was obvious this flying devil-of-a-bird didn't want us near it's territory; however, we did the unthinkable and challenged the bird in some hand-to-hand combat. They say when you're facing a bear, you want to make your self look bigger and make as much noise as possible to scare it away. Well, with this tiny, yet ferocious, enemy, we took a very similar strategy. All three of us we're running in circles, yelling as loud as we could with our hands flailing in the air. Little did we know, the bird retreated back to cover acting like it was the first time it had been faced before. For a moment in time, we felt like heroes. We faced the bird that has been gaining national recognition for its Pearl Harbor-like tactics by attacking unarmed citizens in a surprising manner. Then, in an act of a perfectly planned strategy, the bird called in back-up........
just kidding that part never happened.

Unfortunately, these birds are beginning to grow in numbers and increase their size of territory. Let's just hope we don't find a nest outside our own home, apartment, or condominium. And, according to the news, these birds are starting to create new zones of terror in other major cities as Chicago is also currently under attack. In addition, according to the bird's Twitter account, AngryBirdGR, London is the next big city to be victimized. There's only one last thing to say: get your old army helmets out of the closet and go buy a nice umbrella and a rain suit because the Angry Birds are coming to a city near you.


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