17 July 2011

Welcome Freshmen!

As you've probably noticed by now, we have some new contributors to the Coalition. Treat them with as much respect as you treat the rest of us; very little. As an arrogant frat boy, I can't, in good conscious, deem noobs worthy of the Coalition without some good old fashioned hazing. Don't worry guys, I won't make you do gay shit or get naked. Mainly because I'm a grade A homophobe, but also, why would you want to be a part of something that treated you like shit?

Things I will make you do:

- Take peyote and volunteer at a parking lot carnival.

- Eat hundreds of packages of butter

- Listen to only the chorus of "Bananas" by Gwen Stefani on repeat for hours on end

- Memorize the first ever DTBC post in its entirety

- Write a DTBC song

- Get in a Velcro suit and let us toss you up against a Velcro wall

- Super glue your hand to your head to star in the upcoming DTBC-produced super glue commercial(coming soon)

- Make a lemonade stand and sell Nutcracker (urban dictionary: nutcracker) instead of lemonade. Proceeds go directly to the following weekend's bar tab for your's truly.

Either all of those things or we'll just get you both super drunk, take your phones, and make you find your way back to my house from Royal Oak...I haven't decided yet. Just get your pillow case & tie blindfold ready and I'll be over shortly.
Glad to have yous guys aboard.


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